Father’s Office
1018 Montana
Santa Monica
(310) 393-2337
$$

Our first contender to the title for “Best Burger in LA” is a heavy-hitter: It seems that everyone and their F-ing mother is always harping about this place which I somehow managed to avoid for most of my (adult) life. “ZOMG, their burgers are the bestest. You must has one! Best pub in LA. Blah blah blah.”

I was finally coaxed out there with the promise of a free beer and one of their “legendary” burgers.

I had always imagined the place to be a rowdy, almost dingy kind of place. Boy was I wrong. For starters, the place is conveniently located on Montana and 10th (strike 1). It is a tiny, cramped little hole-in-the-wall, which I find charming, quite nicely done inside. Casual but classy, about what you’d expect for the area. I was actually quite surprised when I walked in. Much cleaner, and the crowd was definitely more upscale.

FAR more surprising were the countless taps of exotic and delicious brews from around the world adorning the wall behind the bar (A genuine Belgian Blanche?! Be still my beating heart!). Things were looking good.

A miniature shopping cart filled with sweet-potato fries was waiting for us by the time I got back to our table. Things were definitely looking good for this place.

Then I ordered my burger.

Those of you familiar with upscale sushi places are familiar with the concept of omakase, which essentially means ‘trust’. Basically, you trust that the chef is going to prepare something tasty for you, and the chef trusts that you’ll shut your trap and eat what he makes for you. Generally, it’s a win-win. And it could be for a burger joint as well, if their burgers were rockin. These guys responded to my trust.

You can probably tell where I’m going with this. What arrived at the table looked something akin to a Ralphs deli sandwich. A burger served on a french roll? Uh, I guess. But don’t judge a book by it’s cover! Just because they chose the least appetizing bread known to man (even whitebread has its uses), doesn’t mean there burger will suck. It doesn’t suck based on its looks. It sucks for other reasons.

Strike 1 was the French roll. Strike 2 was not the absence of ketchup but the denial of it. Strike 3 was the…. I don’t even know what the hell it was. Bacon, I was told. And was that blue cheese or ranch dressing on it? Either way, it’s an abomination before man and god. I’m not one to make hyperbolic assertions, but the person who came up with this burger should be summarily shot in the street and their head posted on a stake as a warning to others.

I like hamburgers. A lot of people do. Not everyone likes bacon. Not everyone likes whatever the hell that tart creamy stuff was. Father’s Office boldly claims they’re “redefining the idea of a local pub” on their website. They claim to be “inspired by the rich bar culture of Europe.” Frankly, the only similarity to me is the absence of ketchup. And I actually like that. In Europe! When I’m stateside, I WANT MY !@#$%^&ING KETCHUP! Not giving people a choice does not make them “European,” it makes them cocky.

All ribbing aside, I was disappointed by the burger. Bacon is a condiment, not a necessity. I happen not to like it on my burgers, preferring the burger for it’s simpler pleasures. And I was not given an option for additional condiments (No pickles? Strike 1,000,000). I would even be willing to overlook the ketchup embargo if they really lived up to the hype. But as I see it, people are confusing attitude and ego for talent and taste. “They’re telling me how to eat it, surely they know what they’re doing!” Americans are so easily duped… Their burger is art in the same way Andy Warhol said everything in a shopping mall is art.

So what’s the final verdict? Stay away at all costs?

HELL NO! Their beer selection is second to none, as far as I’ve found. I’ll probably be back there next time I’m in Santa Monica, as a matter of fact. I’ll just make sure to eat first.

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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