The Counter

2901 Ocean Park Boulevard
Santa Monica (Near the SM Airport)
$1/2

Folks, I was worried this day would never come, but today we’ve actually got a CONTENDER. No joke! A burger that lives up to it’s reputation. Can you believe it?

I’m talking, of course, about The Counter, located on Ocean Park, near the Santa Monica Airport and all those corporate office strips. I guess I must have been living in a cave on Mars with my eyes closed and my hands over my ears, because I had never head of the place until recently.

I guess I missed all the hype, all the reviews, all the TV coverage, all the paparazzi stalking hungry celebs our waitress insisted were commonplace there. Go figure.So what’s all the hype about, anyway?Well, in a nutshell, The Counter is the ultimate DIY burger joint (unlike certain other places).

It works a little like this: upon entering, you’re given a clipboard with a checklist on it. Observe:Your eyes deceive you not, my friends. This is a checklist of all the different goodies you can put on your burger. 5 simple steps to get to Deliciousland:

• Step 1, you get to pick a size (1/3 lb. to 1 lb.), which in itself is nothing too special…

• Step 2 it starts to get a little crazy with the cheese. Reminiscent of 25 Degrees, their selection alone is mouth-watering: Gruyère! Horseradish Cheddar! Feta (I guess?)! Herb Goat Cheese Spread (!!!)! Goat Cheese? I struggled with that choice for a solid 5 minutes, and despite what Heather, our waitress (like the movie) says, I think it sounds delicious. I was still wrangling with my decision as we left.

• If by now you’re not impressed, Step 3 is where you will absolutely lose your sh*t. The toppings gallery. While seemingly odd at times (if not downright bizarre - dried cranberries? A hard boiled egg? Uh… I guess?), the beauty of it all is that you can choose just how adventurous your experience will be! Complete and total freedom! Feel like a traditional cheeseburger with onions and mayo? No problem! Wanna get a little nutty with some black olives and carrot strings? Enjoy! It’s as American as you could possibly get (with one notable exception I will touch on at the end). If you can actually believe it, three of us went together, and not one of us actually took advantage of the 4 topping limit.

• Step 3.5, “premium” toppings, is more of the same, at a slightly higher premium (the fried onion strings, I love them).

• Step 4 is just decadent at this point, and yet so, so perfect: the sauce. Again ranging from the mind-bogglingly brilliant (caramelized onion marmalade wins) to the outrageous (Apricot sauce? Are they serving breakfast burgers?), the sauces are possibly the lynch-pin of the whole experience. And before you get all intimidated by the choice(s), keep in mind they come on the side, so you can actually indulge in a few options (which heartily encourage).

• Step 5 rounds us out with the bun choices… Why anyone would order a burger on an English muffin, I can only guess… Although I genuinely think you could come up with an amazing breakfast burger there, as godawful as that sounds.

If your mouth isn’t watering by now, check your pulse because you may very well be dead. But wait, there’s more! I had mentioned how delicious the onion strings were as a topping? Well they’re actually their version of the onion ring! It’s not a ring, it’s a string! And much like my favorite onion rings on the planet, they’re delicious and only lightly battered. In fact, they were so good I suspected they were freshly cooked, made to order. But Heather (like the movie), our waitress, admitted they weren’t.

Having had a positive experience with the sweet potato fries at Father’s Office, I was delighted to see them available here, thinking it would enhance the experience to near-rapture-like. Yeah, uh… Not so much. They got a solid “meh“. But did I mention the onion strings? Yeah, those rocked. Onion strings. Oooooonio strrrrriiiiiings.

Also also, they have a fairly solid shake selection, even if that’s not my thing.

So overall a pretty bad-ass experience, no? Yes.

I have but a few caveats for you all:

1. The fry and onion ring portions are HUGE. A meal unto themselves…
2. Apparently the bun size does not increase along with the meat weight, meaning a 1 lb. burger still gets a 1/3 lb. bun.
3. While we’re on the topic of their buns, I found the regular bun to be fine, but certain people who shall remain anonymous had a serious problem with the fact that the bun fell apart. Granted, not all buns can be gross dry french-rolls à la Father’s Office, but the bottom line is that it was a perfectly acceptable bun, and when you’ve got as many crazy-ass toppings on your burger as that, it’s bound to happen. So if you’re on the OCD side, you might have an issue there. I was happy as a clam, with gobs of ketchup and meat juice pouring down my hands and wrists.
4. Chances are HIGH that you will over-order on the toppings, at least the first time. The bun is small-ish, the meat tall, and the entire thing can take on some monstrous proportions. So if you’re not like me and blessed with a gargantuan vortex of a mouth, exercise restraint.
5. This one is really my only true gripe: the burgers are served medium unless otherwise specified. That wouldn’t be that big a deal if you can actually remember to mention it to Heather (like the movie), your waitress, instead of being stunned and dumbfounded by the menu.

So where does all this leave us? Judges, your verdict?

While still a touch shy of amazing, the Counter serves up a dizzying array of delicious, with more toppings than you could ever hope for (or want). For you adventurous types, you’ll have tons to play with. I like the choices, but tend to stick to a more classical conception of what a burger should be. Call me a purist, call me a snob, call me Louis, but it just can’t quite take the lead. It rings in at a solid #2 (for now…).

Addendum: I almost forgot to mention, for the non-traditional eaters amongst you, they offer a number of alternatives, be it burger in a bowl for the carb-conscious, or fish burgers for the meat-o-phobes, and even veggie burgers. In fact, the featured burger this month is a Salmon burger. Apparently it’s real good.

Check out the complete menu here:

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