My dear editor on this site sent me a text message a few weeks ago. It read, “If Saleisha wins America’s Next Top Model, I will hurt you.” Now, friends, I don’t know why it would be me instead of the indomitable Tyra Banks who would be worthy of this punishment, but I do know this: I need a safe place to hide. Yes, fellow disenchanted ANTM devotees, the unthinkable has happened: a turtle had a love affair with a Beatle and their demon spawn won cycle nine of America’s Next Top Model. And as a fanatic who has watched every minute of every episode religiously since the dawn of this guiltiest of pleasures, including every dawn-till-dusk VH1 marathon of seasons past (much to the chagrin of past and present boyfriends!), I was highly temped to simply change the channel around minute 36 when my pick and the only decent model in the group was kicked off.
No, Jenna (right) didn’t even make it to the runway. Jenna was one of the few very gifted, naturally talented girls that was EVER cast on the show (me thinks Miss Tyra might be uncomfortable with the idea of girls on her show actually knowing what they’re doing without her self-interested help). And when Tyra whipped out dumb Saleisha’s shot instead of the deserving blonde’s at the halfway point, I must admit I uttered a long stream of obscenities mostly unknown to those in the room around me. Don’t tell my grandparents, they wouldn’t understand.
The only somewhat gratifying moment was when what I can only assume was a circus midget tripped over Chantal’s (left) ridiculously large dress (or was it her 12-inch-long chopstick-like metallic fake nails?).
At least she was human and looked somewhat mortified after the dude fell off his damn stilts. I forget these bitches have souls sometimes. There’s not really room in their tiny frames for much more than the one diet Coke a day they drink, after all. And that’s all I have to say about that, in the words of Forrest Gump. And in the words of the immortal Miss Tyra: “None of you bitches are still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model.” Because frankly, I don’t think anyone is going to watch anymore.
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5 responses so far ↓
1 Rox // Dec 13, 2007 at 3:14 pm
While I agree that Salesha was not anything special and there were other girls more deserving, do you honestly think it’s gonna affect the ratings of the show next season? C’mon…you think the grasshopperesque Jaslene was any better? Nobody cares who wins. Bring on the next cycle!!!
2 Mali Elfman // Dec 13, 2007 at 3:27 pm
First of all, it’s my theory that the 3rd place girl is always the real winner. Take last season, Renee was kicking ass (although I hated her), Natasha was making no sense and Jaslene was some where in between. Renee was the toughest so they knocked her out. Shandi, Amanda, Elysee, Jenah were all my favorites…all went out in 3rd…The only time that this fails is when the girls have just been kept around too long and have to go such as Bre, Jade, Eugena. They preach that they want a unique girl but they always seems to get them to 3rd but never top two.
I have heard many people getting upset with this show. Tyra is so far her up own ass the jaws of life couldn’t pry her out. I think it’s on it’s way out. I think they’ll do a 10th cycle, the ratings will start to fall, and bye bye ANTM! Hello Project Runway!
3 Emberly Modine // Dec 13, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Honestly, I pray for the day that people become disinterested in programming like this. The time and money that goes into not just appearance, but this hyper-obsession with it is sickening. I hate that these people serve as role models to anyone. It’s disgusting and sad that anyone pays attention to people who’s only contribution to the world is what they were born looking like.
4 Marty McFly // Dec 13, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Unfortunately I have had to sit in the same room as this wretched TV show, and I am truly shocked at the level of emotion it stirred in me.
Absolute contempt, loathing and flat out hate for Tyra banks, I dont think I have ever been so annoyed at someone.
I am normally quite rationale about celebrities, knowing that the persona is anything but a reflection on the real person.
Any of that logic instantly evaporated after listening to Tyra Bank walk, breath and generally live on the same planet as me.
I would normally put my energies into a lengthy sardonic rant full of spiteful metaphors, however I can truly say that I have been blinded by rage, my hate is all consuming and I am going to go to Yoga.
I HATE HER!!
5 Kendra // Dec 14, 2007 at 8:24 am
The whole point of watching ANTM is to marvel at the stupidity of the appearance obsessed and to watch Tyra Banks get crazier and crazier. It’s awesomely hysterical. No one I know watches it with an eye toward learning makeup tips or trying to be like this silly skinny chics.
I’m totally watching next cycle and now I’m going to yoga too.
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