Dear Mrs. Spears, Britney, Jamie Lynn, and other kin soon to emerge,

We would like to take this time to welcome you into the elite group of celebrity families that have gone from a life of prominence to a state of utter despair and embarrassment. The road you are about to travel down is not an easy one, but know that you are not alone. As you are very well aware, all of you will now be the constant focus of news agencies world wide. Britney is use to this, but the rest of you will be getting an extra dose of paparazzi punch full of lawsuits and restraining orders.

This letter is not only to serve as a welcome declaration, but as a thank you as well. You cannot believe how fortunate we feel that you came along to the take heat off of us. While we were being hounded by press, attacked by talk shows, and scrutinized in the world of morality, we prayed there would be a person or people to come along and take us out of the bright lights of shame and into the shadows of the forgotten. We now realize our prayers have been answered. You are here now and we are temporarily out of the headlines and free to resume our controversial existence without being part of an unauthorized reality show.

At first, we thought it was just going to be you, Britney. Your drunken antics with other celebrity socialites were a gift from the gods. You and your friends made Courtney Love look like Betty Ford (post-alcoholism Betty, not early 70’s Betty). I mean come on; not only did you throw your sloppy self around the Hollywood bar scene, you opened up the gates of heaven and gave the whole world a peak at the highly coveted “va-jay-jay”.

Jaime-Lynn, who would have thought you, would pull this magic trick out of your hat. We all thought you were the pure one, the runt of the litter that was going to stand alone and denounce your family and make a respectable life for yourself. After years of being a “tween” star you said you were going to drop out of show business and return to your roots to get educated. Well, you certainly returned to your roots, but apparently you skipped school the day they taught the lesson on contraception. Not only are you pregnant at 16, but there’s speculation that the father isn’t who you say it is. Brilliant! Simply brilliant! This is going to keep us on the back page for AT LEAST another six months.

Of course, the person we have to thank for all of this is the creator of the problem. Lynne Spears, we could talk all day about your downfall as a parent, but we don’t have that kind of time. The blockbuster move you made was writing a book about… wait for it, wait for it, PARENTING! Hopefully the book would be sold in the “fiction” section of the store, if not, it was sure to be one of the most appalling books since “If I Did It” by O.J. Simpson. The best part of all though, is that right before the book is set to hit stores, your teenage daughter gets a bun in the oven! You can’t script this kind of drama! Meanwhile, Britney is arrested for holding her kids hostage or some crazy shenanigans like that, a news chopper films her getting rolled out of the house on a stretcher because she’s tripping on a laundry list of narcotics en route to losing custody of your grandchildren. Bravo Mrs. Spears, you are a serious contender for the 2007 MVP of the despicable.

Once again, we welcome and thank you, Spears family. Some of us saw this day coming, but still others were skeptical that you would fulfill your destiny as an infamous celebrity family. We envision a DUI in the near future from Papa Spears, maybe even a divorce from Lynne as well. Whatever the future holds, we hope you enjoy your time in the gutter, and please, make the most of it and drag it out as long as you possibly can! We know you have it in you! Best of luck! Sincerely,

Michael Jackson and Family, The Bin-Laden’s, The Clinton’s, The Kennedy’s, The Hilton’s, Mel Gibson, The Bush family, FEMA, The Nazis Party, Kim Jong-il, Fidel Castro, Lindsey Lohan, The Cruise Family, and everyone affiliated with Major League Baseball.

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