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While my attempts at culinary success have actually (and surprisingly!) been somewhat successful, the stress that goes into creating something you have absolutely no confidence in doing can be a little draining. Imagine that you’ve spoken English your whole life (which, if you’re reading this, is likely) and suddenly you find out a new requirement to graduate from college is to pass an advanced Japanese class. It’s scary and intimidating, of course. And that’s how I feel when I look up a new fancy recipe every week to try out and bestow any gained knowledge on you guys. Freaky, man!

So this week I decided against advanced Japanese and am trying a simpler transition. I have and always have had a knack for making breakfast. Sure, it’s the easiest of the daily meals, but I do it damn good and have a few fun tips on creating a nice spread of bacon and eggs. I’m speaking my native English in the kitchen today. And since I was a flippin’ English major in college, I better not screw up. If bacon and eggs isn’t culinary enough for you, pop open some champagne and drown your sorrows in a nice strong mimosa.

Here are some tips:

• I was always the scrambled egg maker in my family, which means I was allowed to make them however I chose. And I definitely did not choose the dry, sloughed-skin variety of egg-like items you might see at Denny’s. I preferred a fluffy, light, moist scramble. But sometimes you can go past the point of no return and end up robbing them of their juicy deliciousness if you don’t cook them just right. So here is my fail-safe, never-once-let-me-down trick that yields a nice plate of eggs every single time: Turn the damn burner off! If you wait ‘til the eggs look perfect to do this, you’ve gone too far. Metal retains heat. Duh. So they will continue to cook after the look ready to eat, and then you might as well have taken a trip to IHOP. No, my friends, you must turn the heat off when the eggs still look just a little gross and gooey (or as a friend of mine prefers to say, snotty—ew), then continue to push ‘em around that skillet until they are they way they should be. I know it’s very simple, but it’s my number one cooking secret and I’m very attached to it.

• More egg news: people like cheese. People who like cheese like to put in on anything they can. Like eggs! Cheddar is always a foolproof bet, but you haven’t tried cheesy eggs until you slap a little Brie in there. I’m a HUGE fan of stinky foreign cheeses, and I learned the hard way that you don’t want to heat them up too much, lest you need some heavy-duty air freshener once you finish with breakfast. I’d advise against it. But something mild but still kinda swanky, like Brie or even a nice camembert, is freakin’ heavenly. Since it’s a little gooey to begin with, I like to take the cheese straight from the fridge and cube it up (leave the skin off, I’d say) while it’s still firm, so you don’t make a mess of yourself and end up eating more cheese off your hand than in the eggs. It’ll melt with the heat of cooking just fine once you add them, so this is one time you can avoid the rule of room-temp milk byproducts. But for God’s sake, don’t toss those cheese hunks in there when all you’ve got is a skillet full of yellow goo. Wait until they’ve firmed up, maybe a minute or so before you perform my magical “turn the heat off” trick. Toss about ¾ of the creamy goodness into the eggs then, and continue to scramble. A nonstick pan really comes in handy hear. Once everything is ready to go onto the plate, hurry up and put it there, then toss the rest right on top. Do it fast so it will melt! God, my mouth is watering already. Maybe I should have actually made this breakfast thins morning…damn Power Bars!

• Now on to bacon. I only have one piece of advice for you on this. Two words: GEORGE FORMAN. The little ones are bacon-sized and surprisingly affordable. Best investment I ever made. Although my mom actually bought it for me, but you get the picture. You don’t have to flip the little buggers, don’t have to towel off that horrific bacon grease, and my personal fave, you don’t have to rush to the emergency room because some crackling meat shot hot oil in your eye. Did that sound dirty? It wasn’t supposed to. The grill also works great if you want to make yourself a little BLT action. Trust me.
Seriously. I was serious about the mimosa.

Photos by Jessy for Cityzine and Kernel Sanders, _teufel and Sappymoosetree via Flickr

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