Everywhere else it’s a crime, but in California, it’s convenience.
Some of us have back problems (wink), glaucoma (wink wink) or various sundry ailments that will provide access to the nation’s first weed vending machines. If you are cursed with perfect health and a scrupulous physician, however, there are games available that provide their own unique sensations of “heightened” reality.
In honor of this watershed achievement in self-service, here’s a list of titles that simulate (and perhaps stimulate) altered states.
Available via Amazon.com and gamestop.com
You play the Prince of the Universe and your Dad, that’s the KING of the Universe, gets really wasted and accidentally knocks all the stars out of the sky. So far, so good.
Now it’s your job to replace the stars with globes of random crap you collect on a magical, pseudo-magnetic orb called a katamari. It attracts every object in existence and grows larger with every single thing you pick up. This means you start by grabbing marbles or matches and at the end you’re uprooting skyscrapers and baseball stadiums. If you haven’t guessed by now, this game was made in Japan.
There’s nothing else like this on the shelf. The gameplay is Tetris-addictive, the music will burrow into your skull for days, and every other line out of your Dad’s (that’s the King’s) mouth is bumper-sticker-worthy.
REZ (ps2, now in HD via Xbox 360)
Available via Xbox Live or ebay.com
Rez is a noble fusion of rhythm games, rail shooters, and transcendental meditation. Your avatar glides through vector based corridors that pulse and throb with the music. As you blast enemies, their death triggers an embellishment in the soundtrack. Power-ups transform your character and add another sonic layer, so if you want to hear the groove as intended, you damn well better kill everything.
The final boss battle is like the George Lucas version of the final 20 minutes in “2001 – A Space Odyssey.” This includes celestial fetuses.
E-bay and indie shops have been speculating prices for the few original copies through the roof, but they’re about to be hosed by the HD remix coming to Xbox Live this spring.
PORTAL (PC, Xbox 360)
A lot of games are entertaining, but there’s a very short list of titles that present scientific conundrums. In terms of sheer mind-blowing capacity, Portal is God.
To escape the physically hazardous testing maze of Aperture Labs, you are granted the portal gun, a device that can shoot one entrance and one exit onto any surface. After a few softball puzzles, the training wheels come off and you’re expected to warp down hallways, outsmart rapid-fire “i-turrets,” and catapult yourself across chasms with compounding velocity. If you get stuck on a level, you can still find entertainment in falling through endless loops or chasing your own butt (see the trailer).
It’s the shortest single player experience you may ever have, but it’s coupled with four other must-have titles in the Orange Box, making the three-hour completion time a non-issue.
BANGAI-O (dreamcast, N64)
Treasure’s built a die-hard following thanks to titles with clever gimmicks, simple controls, and scalding difficulty. Bangai-O is one of the few in the canon with an actual learning curve. The design has roots in the classic Robotron (independent movement and shooting controls), but with maze-like stages and a brilliant twist: the most destructive super bomb in the history of shooters.
A pull of the trigger unleashes a swarm of homing missiles or laser beams in direct proportion to the number of enemies nearby. It’s not uncommon to unleash a barrage of 500 warheads and completely white-out the screen. When picture does return, all that remains are the bonus tokens the enemy leaves behind, represented as an array of delicious fruit. Oranges are worth the least, but if you see watermelons or pineapples, you’re kicking serious ass.
Until recently, gamers had to jump through hoops to play this twitch-shooter masterpiece via N64 or Dreamcast, but a tweaked DS version is heading to our shores this year.
TOEJAM AND EARL (sega genesis, Wii virtual console)
Before the industry was consumed with Hollywood-inspired spectacle, breezy weirdo creations like Toejam and Earl actually made it to shelves. On paper it’s built to frustrate: randomized levels, unpredictable enemies, finite lives, and nightmarish platforming, but it works a strange magic. It’s also the only game to date that has succeeded in making the simple act of approaching a mailbox absolutely terrifying (some of you know what I’m talking about).
Power ups are doled out as festively-wrapped presents, and the contents are a mystery until you open them. It could be angel wings, a slingshot, rocket skates, a boombox that sparks an impromptu dance number or a mean case of the hiccups. Playing is nearly impossible until you simply stop trying to control every situation and let the game play you. Embrace the spontaneity and roll with it. You’ll get a lot farther than you’d expect.
SNEAK KING (xbox 360)
Okay, this may end up being your shortest single player experience ever, and not in terms of completion. Like the fast food that spawns it, the game provides an initial burst of pleasure followed by a thorough self-loathing and disgust. The giggles will subside, the disc will be ejected, and hopefully blasted into fragments with an air rifle. Like the burger in your belly, “Sneak King” demands an exorcism.
The mission is simple: take the guise of the Burger King Himself and sneak about suburban environs like a gaudy, fur-trimmed ninja, then trigger close-range Whopper Freak-outs in the unsuspecting populace. The more meat-lust you inspire with your pervy Cheshire smile, the better you score.
I’ve been using it as a training tool, because as long as I’m thinking like the King I stay a step ahead. So far it’s worked.
Until next time, everybody.
- Photo of The King courtesy of mirka23
- Photo of Toejam and Earl courtesy of wiinintendo.net
- Photo of Bangai-O courtesy of www.meristation.com
- All others via wikipedia
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