Growing up in smaller towns, there’s a natural fascination with the larger cities - it’s where it all “happens,” where all the celebrities gather, where the important people of the world live. Most importantly, movies take place there, and who doesn’t want to be where movies take place? No one I want to be friends with, clearly.

I remember the experience of watching “Spider Man 2″ in New York and in many ways, it was exactly as I imagined. First of all, LA movie audiences are tame. NY audiences are loud, communal, farting, singing opera, anything but quietly watching the movie. For certain movies, that’s obviously terrible, but for other movies - “Spider Man 2,” anything with Will Smith, - it’s fantastic. I’m not sure people oohing and ahing at Will Smith’s gratuitous shower scene (perfect example by the way of unnecessary male nudity for those keeping score) in “iRobot” was what Durkheim had in mind when he imagined collective effervescence, but that’s exactly what watching a movie in NY is like. It’s a community for better or worse. And when, in the case of “Spider Man 2,” the set is the city, it makes it all the more fun. Walking back from Times Square afterwards, I kept expecting Spidey to fly by through one of the neighboring skyscrapers. I had to settle for asking a Kirsten Dunst look-a-like on the street for her number instead, but that’s another story entirely, and one I’d refer to my lawyer.

The strangest thing about Los Angeles is this. It’s ALL happening (to quote Almost Famous), but YOU are part of none of it. Even if you think you are part of it, you really aren’t. What did you do last night? See, there you go. Because last night, somewhere in town, there was a movie premiere, a high class art show, a political debate, something far, far more important than your pathetic plans of waiting in line at Les Deux.

Favorite LA Side Story - One night, my friend and I actually decide to go to Les Deux. To be clear, we are not Les Deux people. Les Deux hates us and our kind. So, we’re standing outside, looking like idiots (as expected), and two RIDICULOUS girls walk up to us, straight out of the Playboy mansion. Again, to be clear, Playboy mansion girls are not generally a part of my life, except through my Dell Inspiron 700m, but again, please contact my lawyer. So they waltz right up and say, very seductively, “Are you guys going to Les Deux”? I respond, gently, “We’re not getting bottle service.” Her: “OK then. Have a good night!” This was an absolutely fantastic LA interaction. It was sparkling in it’s honesty, directness, and really accomplished both our goals very quickly. Mainly, that they were looking for two chumpy guys to pay money to get them into Les Deux, and through 5 mere words, I was able to both confirm my chumpiness, as well as add some nice detail to the picture. I am also not rich, I am an idiot for standing outside Les Deux and not planning to get bottle service.

But it all happens here in LA. The oscars. The movie premieres. The Clinton Obama debate. American Idol. And I go to none of it. Best case, I catch a little bit of the traffic problems on the way home on the 10. And that’s what’s strangest about this city is that so much of the glamour, so much of what it represents to the world, is taken up by a small 1% of people. And the rest of us, stuck on the freeway, aren’t really feeling the benefits.

So next time, glamorous people, when you are heading to the Oscars, swing me a ticket. Or at least give me enough money to pay for bottle service.

Photo via wikipedia

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