Another week, another model bites the dust on good old ANTM. If you missed it, here’s what went down.

We open on a quaint breakfast scene. The models are “eating” breakfast (i.e. drinking coffee). Lauren supposedly pours out Fatima’s coffee from the pot. Fatima asks her to admit it. This prompts an all-out attack from Lauren. She’s yelling at Fatima like Fatima killed her dog or something. I am scared of Lauren now.

The girls gear up for their challenge, a “go see”. This particular episode in the past has always been hysterical. Lost, tragic, sobbing models are funny. But, this time, the producers of America’s Next Top Model have done us, the audience, wrong with a capital ‘W’. Instead of the challenging “go sees” of the past, the girls are given the easy task of going to only 3 places. In teams. With a freakin’ Sprint navigational phone. Come on! Tyra, at least you could have put them on roller blades or something. I mean, you might as well have sent them there in limousines with a hair and make-up person and a personal massage therapist in tow.

Team 1 is made up of Dominique, Claire, Stacey Ann and Whitney. Team 2 is Lauren, Anya, Fatima, and Katarzyna. The whole thing was borderline boring. The only interesting part I can relay to you is that Whitney was told she was ‘too big’ for runway at Pamella Rowland because she’s a size 10 and Fatima was too small. (Size 0) It was like Goldilocks for models. I’m assuming Stacey Ann was “just right” because all 3 designers seemed to love her. In fact, Team 1 won the challenge, and was rewarded with a Summer Beauty story for 17 magazine. Stacey Ann ‘booked’ the most fake jobs. You go, Stacey Ann.

The photo shoot involves a gigantic clear plastic water tarp thingamajig. The girls are to pose face down in the water and the photographer shoots them from below. When this is demonstrated to the girls, professionals dive into the water tarp and slide. Our girl Claire is first. In keeping with her quest to annoy everyone, she slides into the tarp even after Mr. Jay tells her not to. She jacks her head up. She takes a rest and then on her second chance, she slides again. I guess she was concussed from the first blow to the brain. Otherwise, why would you do that?

Meanwhile, Katarzyna (Cover Girl model of the week) is getting that haircut they promised last episode. It looks cute but, of course, that gal could pull of anything. She cries a little, sucks it up, and does awesome on her shoot. Besides Katarzyna, standouts are Dominique, Whitney and Fatima. The worst of the bunch is Stacey Ann but Lauren is a close second in the suckage.

Next we see the picture of Tyra ‘doing it better’. You know she probably just put some saran wrap on her face and then had it photo shopped to death. That’s right Tyra, I’m on to you. Then, the girls file in for judging. I’m going to have to go on the record by saying that Tyra is on the Britney Spears slippery slope. There is crazy in her eyes. Did anyone else notice the crazy accents? When Tyra shows Stacey Ann how she should have taken a breath, then posed, I almost laughed. The only reason I didn’t laugh is that I saw the crazy, folks. The crazy is not a laughing matter. Think I’m overreacting? How else do you explain when Tyra says, “H2O no you didn’t,” huh? Clearly the words of a crazy person.

At panel, Lauren, Stacey Ann and Claire were dissed. Fatima and Anya had the best shots. The judges compliment Katarzyna on her hair and Paulina says that the “Eastern European tackiness is gone.” Nigel calls out Dominique’s hair, saying that it looks like “There’s Something about Mary hair.” Nice. It is also established that Nigel hates Fatima.

Claire, Lauren and Dominique are the last three girls. Then, Dominique is spared and Claire and Lauren (the two I liked the best in the beginning and now I could care less if they both go) are left on deck. It is Claire that walks the plank. I think she got too cocky and the judges were like “H2O no you didn’t, girl.” See ya, Claire.

Tune in next time to see Lauren cut off her finger. My prediction is that Dominique goes bye-bye next episode. She’s pretty but she looks like she’s in her mid-30s and that she might not have time for photo shoots because she needs to go pick up her kids from gymnastics.

America’s Next Top Model is on Wednesday nights at 8pm on the CW.

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