This was the week.  The dreaded ‘re-cap’ show.  There’s one every cycle and I always fall for it.  Perhaps it was because at the end of the last episode, they promised me that “Next time on America’s Next Top Model” Lauren would cut her finger off.  Did she?  No.  We have to wait until next week for that.  Come on!  Reality shows are only good when someone gets kicked off or hurt.  I want carnage!

In case you missed it, good for you.  Seriously.  Ok, I’ll tell you what you need to know but I won’t be happy about it.  Freakin’ Tyra.   Here are the highlights of clips not good enough for the regular season but decent enough to get thrown together for a lame cop-out re-cap show:

• The girls are very excited to find a bidet in the bathroom.  I’m excited for them.
• Kim (remember the girl that left because she didn’t like designer clothing?) cannot make hot chocolate.
• Paulina tells the girls what is wrong with them.  She says Dominique is a tranny version of Robin Wright Penn and that Amis has bad skin.
• Allison subsists on A1 sauce and jell-o mixed together and Marvita says she needs to “come up off that bullcrap.”
• Dominique wants to be like Martin Luther King, Jr., Donald Trump and Mother Theresa, only a diva.
• The girls get drunk a couple of times and do what any girls would do; they have a wrestling match .
• Drunk again, Stacey Ann smuggles a vodka bottle out of the bar.  That resourcefulness will win her this competition, I tell ya!
• Marvita is funny.  She gets naked, sings songs on a pink guitar and makes a little extra cash by giving massages.  I heart Marvita.

That was all I found remotely interesting.  Please tell me there won’t be another show like this for the rest of the cycle.  I can’t take it.  I need an elimination.  I need Miss Jay and his glitter-name-vest.  I need (dare I say it?) Tyra.

I’ve decided, after watching tonight, that Katarzyna and Fatima are the prettiest.  But, I think I’m rooting for Whitney.

America’s Next Top Model is on Wednesday nights at 8pm on the CW.

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