It was a bite-size evening for “American Idol”.

In what was probably the worst performance week in the history of “American Idol”, the producers decided it was a wise strategy to attempt to cram

ten performances in the span of an hour. Their decision resulted in tiny 75-second performances that gave the Idols no time to dig into their songs.

How voters were supposed to glean an accurate idea as to who was the best singer of the evening is a complete mystery. Combine that with the fact that Simon was completely absent from the entire first half of the program and you get a formula for the worst Idol performance show of all time.

In fact, the only time the judges appeared on screen for the first half-hour was a speedy rundown of each of the contestants’ first performance. This clearly addled a noticeably medicated Paula who began to give Jason Castro notes for everybody’s performance all while looking like a decorative potpourri box.

The theme of the night was Neil Diamond, another curious choice that nearly forced the contestants to be old-fashioned in all their performances.

Despite all this, there were some bright moments in the evening. It’s just too bad a simple blink caused audiences to miss half of each performance.

Jason Castro – Sang: “Forever in Blue Jeans” & “September Morn’”

• Neil: He’ll bring off both very well.
• Randy: Just OK. A Whatever Performance.
• Paula: Too Safe.
• Simon: Forgettable. Struggled Through Both Songs.

The first song showed that Castro simply cannot sing. It wasn’t a bad performance nor was it a bad arrangement, Castro just didn’t add anything to the song. This was another piece of mildly pleasant karaoke with some jumbled attempted guitar thrown in.

Grade: C-

His second performance was pleasant but dull. He still gets vocally lazy at times in every song he performs. It was a nice arrangement that ended up sounding like something you’d see on a commercial for retirement planning.

Grade: C+

Prognosis: If there’s any justice on this earth this will be his last week. It was hard to ignore those screams when they showed his introduction video, and it’s also hard to believe he’ll go.

David Cook – Sang: “I’m Alive” & “All I Really Need is You”

• Neil: I got goosebumps.
• Randy: Very Good, In the Zone. Rocked The House.
• Paula: I feel like I’m already looking at the American Idol.
• Simon: First Song OK, Second Song Brilliant.

David Cook was dressed like somebody that even the shoppers at Hot Topic would think is a poseur. The first song sounded like the lead singer of a mediocre high school band who is only playing to get chicks.

Grade: C+

Cook made the second song sound extremely contemporary. A total emo singer/songwriter song. This is the exact type of song that would be blaring in the background as a 12-year-old girl cries into her pillow following a puppy love breakup.

Grade: A-

Prognosis: Destined for the final two.

Brooke White – Sang: “I’m a Believer” & “I Am I Said”

• Neil: Very Pleasantly Surprised.
• Randy: Better Than Last Week, Still Karaoke. Nice Job.
• Paula: That Just Works.
• Simon: First Song Was A Nightmare. Second Song Well Done

On Brooke White’s ridiculously awkward performance of “I’m A Believer” she looked and sounded like a former hippie who tries to stay hip by singing sixties pop songs to children at Chuck-E-Cheese and birthday parties.

Grade: F

If the first song was a nightmare, then the second was some kind of alt-country singer/songwriter dream come true. Where did this come from? A nice vulnerable version that you might hear on the hippest station in Nashville.

Grade: B+

Prognosis: Despite one of the worst performances in the history of the show, Brooke may have saved herself on the second song. She’s still definitely in danger though.`

David Archuleta – Sang: “Sweet Caroline” & “Comin’ to America“

• Neil Said: He’ll Do Great.
• Randy Said: The Bomb, Brilliant. Another Good Performance.
• Paula Said: Your Voice is on Point.
• Simon Said: Amateurish. Very Good.

Archuleta really let his voice rip on the first song. It had kind of a teen R&B feel from the 1950’s with a bit of Caribbean rhythm thrown in. A cool arrangement and you just cannot beat his voice.

Grade: A-

His rendition of “America” sounded like something you’d hear on a United States tourism video overseas. You could almost picture an aerial camera panning over the plains and seaside of the U.S. while an announcer described all America had to offer for your next vacation. This was well-sung and a nice performance. Too bad he chose possibly the worst song ever written, and since song selection counts for something. .

Grade: B

Prognosis: The one to beat.

Syesha Mercado - Sang: “Hello Again” & “Thank the Lord for the Night Time”

• Neil: She Did a Wonderful Job.
• Randy: In the Zone. This is the Way I Like You.
• Paula: I Love Her.
• Simon: Old-Fashioned. Not A Memorable Second Song, You’re in Trouble.

She sounded like a voice actress singing in an animated Disney musical for the first song. A nice simple arrangement matched by a classy and elegant performance.

Grade: B

Syesha might not be the best singer, but she’s certainly the best performer left in the competition. The exuberant Motown spectacle that was her second performance certainly proved that. The vocals were very good as well. She’s a ton of fun to watch.

Grade: A-

Prognosis: Syesha is in a ton of danger this week. Despite the fact that she gave the second best set of performances this evening (behind Archuleta) a simple declaration from Simon telling her that she is in trouble should doom her. It’s appalling how Simon continues to undermine her during this competition – couldn’t he tell Jason or Brooke that they’re going home instead of somebody much, much better?

Bold Prediction: Simon’s words spell doom for Syesha this week. Obviously the rest of the bottom three will be made up of Jason and Brooke as it is completely inconceivable to imagine the Davids not earning a ton of votes. It’s kind of ridiculous that Syesha is going to go as she’s clearly the third best competitor remaining and the most like what “American Idol” is looking for. It would be so much more satisfying to have Ryan tell Jason and Brooke that they’re both going home and declaring a three-week sing off between Cook, Archuleta, and Syesha. Unfortunately, she won’t even be seen in the Final Four.

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