In case you missed America’s Next Top Model last night, here’s a recap of the crazy:

The show started out with dear Fatima, waxing philosophical about how wonderful she is and how the other girls are nothing to her.  About her commercial the week before, she said, “I thought I was a natural.”  Keep thinking that, Fatima.  Yeah, you’re a natural and Dominique is 23.  Sure, sure.

For the challenge, the producers of ANTM, in their infinite wisdom, thought it would be a good idea to give these angry little models swords and let them wail on, I mean battle each other.  They were taught basic battle moves by some Gladiator dude and then let loose on another girl to practice.  I think Dominique is very lucky that Fatima only weighs 5 pounds.  That girl was angry but the sword weighed more than she did so she couldn’t inflict too much damage.

The big surprise was that Mr. and Miss Jay showed up.  Oh, shocker.  The girls freak out like this is a novelty.  Like they don’t see these two every time they turn around.  If I were them, I wouldn’t be surprised if I woke up in the middle of the night and saw Miss Jay and his glitter eyebrows hovering above my bed.  I mean, come on.  Anyway, the Jays are there because it’s a photo shoot.  The girls each get 5 frames to “battle” a big beefy Gladiator man.  Anya and Whitney knock it out of the coliseum.  Katarzyna is okay and Dominique is sooo weird, standing there like she’s either in Yoga class or auditioning for The Matrix 4.  But, it’s our girl Fatima, the natural, who really makes everyone cringe. Her photos looked like she was purposely trying to look like an awkward teenager.  Think McLovin’ with a sword. Fierce.

Whitney wins the challenge and is given the option of going on a shopping trip solo with 1000 Euros or going shopping with a pal and sharing the prize money.  She decides to split the dough and take Anya with her.  A very sweet and human move that confused me.

For the main photo shoot, the girls are taken to a castle type of place.  Tyra is their photographer, which she makes a very big deal out of.  The girls are dressed in what Tyra calls an “exaggeration of Italian Renaissance.”  Basically, they were wearing old prom dresses and cool wigs.  At the shoot, Tyra thought Fatima was “sick” and Dominique rocked it.  Anya, of course, did a great job despite having the worst wig of the bunch.  Whitney was pretty but “too sexy” and Katarzyna was pretty but “uncomfortable.”

At panel, they show the obligatory shot of Tyra standing up front and looking serious.  I was thinking how beautiful she really is and how weird it is that you forget she’s a freakin’ super model when she started speaking and shook me out of my happy place.  She has got to stop with the bad accents.  Can’t she speak like a normal human model?  Whatever that means?  The judges begin to critique the girls and two things become glaringly apparent.  One, Nigel Barker is either on speed or ‘just so happy to be there’. I vote for the speed.  Two, Tyra doesn’t care about these girls’ shots. She just wants to mention how she took the photos as many times as she can.  She makes it all about herself for the duration of panel.  It’s kind-of horribly awesome to watch.

Anya’s photo is called amazing.  Fatima’s is so good that Paulina is jealous.  Dominique, despite looking laughably awful in person, turns out a really cool photo.  Whitney’s photo is weird and cartoonish.  She’s looking into the light above her like a suicidal bug.  Katarzyna’s photo is really pretty but the judges think it has no ‘oomph’.  I think they hate her because she’s beautiful.

Fatima is called first, which is a good thing because she needs a self-confidence boost.  Dominique is called second, which is insane.  Next to these other girls, she looks like Kathy Griffin at a Miss America pageant.  Anya is 3rd and Whitney and Katarzyna are left in the bottom 2.   These are the two prettiest girls on the show!  Sadly, Katarzyna is sent home.  Tyra tries to explain ‘why’ but I missed much of what she said after she invented the word “stunningness”.  Tyra Banks never ceases to amaze me.

Now there are 4 left.  Tune in next week to see Dominique suck and Nigel get mad.

*America’s Next Top Model is on Wednesday nights at 8pm on the CW.

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