What’s the difference between a flat surface and one that slants about 45 degrees? If you’re on roller skates, about 100 points. This weekend, the All Stars of the bank-track league the LA Derby Dolls used their home-turf advantage to their San Diego counterparts, who do their derby-ing on a traditional flat track.
After being creamed on their last trip down to SD, the LA girls reaped some revenge by never allowing their opponents to close the gap by more than 20 points. And that’s the least of it. During the first quarter of the game in Historic Philipino Town’s Doll Factory, many fans were heard to have gasped, “Is the score board broken!?” when faced with the fact that SD’s number remained at 4, lap after lap, while LA’s numbers climbed steadily thanks in part super-star jammer Mila Minute. Number 60 Seconds earned her keep blasting past SD skaters despite the unforgiving-looking thong leotard (featured right) she bravely sported over her requisite skintight silver booty shorts. In the first quarter alone, she lapped the SD girls three times, scoring ten points before the jam was called off, I can only assumer, out of pure, sweet mercy. The first half closed out at 67-9, Los Angeles.
Another bout stand-out was Broadzilla (featured left), who held back the teal-shirted SD babes with a nifty little move, where she performed a seemingly dainty swirl of her sequined skirt as she pressed opponent after opponent against the rails to let her team’s jammers (including my favorite named girl of the evening, Laguna Beyatch) fly past, racking up so many points that the scoreboard had to be reset to zero on the LA side because it doesn’t hit 100. Brick house Broadzilla refused to let any SD girls hand her the same fate, remaining stoic and stable as they pelted her with their tiny bodies.
And while the gap only widened as the second half progressed, the SD girls kept their hearts in the game even though it was plain their fish-net adorned asses were getting handed to them on a platter. On of their star girls took a nasty spill mid-way through the third quarter, causing announcers to call for EMT until she rose from the ashes in a perfect “Cool Runnings,” slow-clap worthy recovery that had the crowd, SD and LA fans alike, on their feet.
As the game closed out, Mila Minute pulled out some much-deserved showboating, lapping SD a couple of times skating backwards, before conceit karma stopped her flat on her ass. The crowd, one of the loudest I’ve heard at a Derby Dolls bout to date, ate it up and lost little love for her.
When all was said and done and the skates came off, LA managed to beat San Diego by a nose, closing things out at a score of 115 to 13. That kind of near-shutout victory is what happens when your home-team fans include Drew Barrymore, Ellen Page and a very enthusiast dancing lobster.
Below are the Derby Dolls Fearleaders and some good ol’ war faces!
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