“Yeeeeeeeee-haaawwww ya’ll!!”

Summer reality television is here and worse than ever, or as my housekeeper say’s so far so bad! This segment I will visit periodically and rant about bad shows or enlighten you about the good ones, or the show’s so bad they are good, so pray with me brother’s and sister’s for “Celebrity Rehab 2.” This first installment is going to focus on the “Bachelorette,” “American Gladiator’s,” and the sleeper hit, “Jail.” I picked jail because “COPS” was such a tacky, insane show that it actually made you root for the police, but in “Jail” you are just glad those people are there and not out here with the rest of us. Now, if they could just build a wall around Seattle so its inhabitants can go get away, and come here to southern Cali and oh, back to reality.

First up, the little-needy-insecure-Greek Goddess Bachelorette, DeAnna Pappas, 26, or second place, heartbroken gal from the “I need a husband pool” and give her own set of hard .choice’s. As a heterosexual guy, most of those dudes have bummed me out already, and I seem to root for no one. It’s like when I watch “Deal or No Deal” and root for the cases, as the hyper-contrived reality style is no match for cliche’ character’s competing to, of all things, fall in love as this show seems to send the message that that’s on the outside is some how more important. In episode one the dude with the duck-call, and the Oyster farmer, the ‘nice guy’ from the Mid-west where not given one of the fifteen roses it takes to continue (to a weekly stipend).

The episode opens with Limo, after Limo, dropping off four-different metro-sexual dude’s with looks and attitude’s until the Mansion filled with 25 hulky, but empty dude’s and they the drink flows and the conversation ensues: enthralling. I felt like I needed a shower after watching this show but might you might like it. The show ends with her giving out fifteen-roses to twenty-five men. If you want to know what jackass got a rose, go to the ABC website and find out before you go to your shrink.

Next up brother it’s time for all my Gladiator-maniac’s to get the thunder rocking in Gladiator-arena!!!! Sorry my Hulk Hogan impersonation doesn’t transcend to the written word, much like Hogan’s inability to speak his words, like in his lines. I actually went undercover for a few weeks and was an audience member for the taping of the whole season of Gladiators and Hogan can’t read worth a darn, it’s like he’s Rocky Balboa, but for real.

However, Leila Ali is smoking hot, and a freaking Ali. So, I saw it all its contrived glory with its paid audience, the rumors about Mulitia and Titian being former Gay porn-stars but I will say that the show is not rigged, it is a fair completion show, and as I mentioned I know who wins; but I’m going to make you suffer, and watch it like I had to. I’ll give you some highlights: the one-legged competitor doesn’t win, a small person that actually calls herself “Little Rocky,” and the spectacle they build inside the LA sports Arena for a month in may.

Lastly, I want to mention some reality hopefuls that I will cover in the weeks ahead like the (always summer hit, “Big Brother” back for its tenth season in eight years, Beauty and the Geek and what ever is one the horizon. Have any questions about a reality show, ask away and if I don’t know we here at LAcityzine will try to find out for you.)

• Gladiators is on at 8/7c on NBC
• Bachelorette is on Mondays at 9/8c on ABC

So long for know pard’ner!

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