Finally, they’ll have to hang up and drive.

On Monday, the new hands-free cell phone driving law went into effect in the hopes of once and forever prying the cell phones from the hands of annoying motorists. Now, yakking drivers face the fear of a fine for phoning their friends while on the freeway, and it isn’t a moment too soon.

But why stop there? The cell phone motorist is just one of many types of irritating drivers that need banned forevermore. Here are six more types of drivers against whom the law needs to take action, and their recommended punishments.

The Driver Who Can’t Make a Right Turn Without Coming to a Complete Stop

The person who ends up causing about fifteen people to simultaneously slam on their breaks and miss the next traffic light while they move their car closer to the curb and slow to a crawl so they can execute the oh-so-difficult task of turning their wheels about 37 degrees to starboard. It’s not that hard! Just stay near the center line and take a wider turn. You’ll only need to slow down a bit and cease wearing out everybody’s break pedal.

Punishment: Adjust their car so it can’t slow below 20MPH while turning. If they can’t pull off that maneuver at those speeds without a calamity, then they don’t deserve to drive.

The Apply Makeup While Driving Woman

We’ve all looked in our rear-view only to see the driver trailing us looking into hers as well. Except she’s not checking her blind spot, but rather the spot where she missed her foundation. I know you’re pressed for time, but I’d really appreciate your not pressing your fender against my bumper while you try not to get lipstick on your teeth.Punishment: No makeup for a month after being pulled over. In fact, no facial care whatsoever. That includes washing.

The Driver Who Can’t Figure Out a 4-Way Stop

Wait. Should I go? No, you go. Okay, I’ll go now. No, why don’t we let this guy go. There, now I’ll go, just as soon as you also go so we almost collide. There, that wasn’t so bad.

Punishment: Loses all 4-way stop privileges. Ticketed driver now must wait until every 4-way stop is completely clear before he can go.

The Lane Savant

This is the guy who constantly thinks the grass is greener, er, the asphalt’s blacker in the other lane. No matter how slowly traffic is moving, he constantly needs to dart from one lane to another on a never-ending quest to feel like he is making progress. Fines double for people who meander similarly on two-lane city streets.

Punishment: Set their car so once it gets in a lane it must stay there until they key in a special freeway exit procedure.

The Tailgater

Ever check your rearview in heavy traffic only to discover that the car behind you appears to have its hood inside your trunk? If so, you’ve fallen victim to the most irritating pest of the road – the tailgater. Excuse me sir, but if you didn’t notice, we’re on the 405, and there are about 300 cars in a line moving at the same speed as me all up and down this lane. Unless you want me to start attempting to barrel through them, there’s really nothing I can do to alleviate your displeasure with my current rate of travel.

Punishment: A sensor installed in their fender that doesn’t allow their car within 4 feet of any other cars. No matter where they are. This will also force them to park in the last rows of parking lots.

The Drive 10-Under the Speed Limit in the Left Lane Guy

The worst offender of them all. The person completely oblivious to the fact that the farther left you go on the freeway, the faster you’re supposed to drive. Invariably, you’ll run into this person on a two-lane highway, often times while an 18-wheeler going uphill occupies the right lane. At this time, you’re forced into a claustrophobic trap behind the slow poke and next to the massive steel beast to your right. This driver usually adds about 3 days to your journey, no matter how short it is.

Punishment: Death.

Have any other suggestions for types of drivers in need of punishment and the penalties they deserve? Post your comment below!

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