We’ve met a bunch of new people. We’ve been titillated. We’ve been Plot-Bludgeoned. On with the second episode of the two-episode premiere of 90210 2.0! (It’s called “The Jet Set.” More like “OMG He’s Got a Private Jet!!!” Set.)
Wacky Hijinx Alert: the rival high school literally—LITERALLY—trashes West Bev, so Dixon is all conflicted and has to choose between bonding with his new teammates by retaliating and respecting his Dad-Principal by taking the high road. Dixon shows respect for both by appropriating a Drunk Grandma-suggested prank of letting pigs loose on the Palisades High field… just like his dad did back in the day. Aw, have a Lifesaver, son!
Annie gets dumped by her Kansas boyfriend. That’s okay, though, because within hours, she’s met”Zach Efr- er, Ty Collins, who is singing in some something or other at the school. I swear, this boy is so unbelievably adorably cute that, whenever he shows up on screen, bunnies and birdies come doinging out of the forest while music crescendos, and there’s a twinkly sound effect every time he smiles. Natch, he’s the richest boy in school, and takes Annie on a dinner date to San Francisco. On a private jet. Uh-huh. Anyway, when Annie doesn’t show up in time to take Drunk Grandma Dearest to pick up her scotch-soaked laptop from the computer store, Drunk Grandma tries to drive herself and get it, and gets into a little fender bender. (There is not a single mention of drunk driving. How very un-90210!)
We find out that Navid’s father is a porn producer. This means, I guess, that, despite laws, Navid and Dixon, two underaged boys, can just wander around one of Dad’s porn sets and hang out with the actors.
Adrianna runs out of an audition that she needs to get to pay her mom’s mortgage, and then has some probably-druggie breakdown. We can tell these things because of the freaky music/sound effects in the background.
And I guess Pa Wilson has told Aunt Becky about his illegitimate son, and she’s very stoic about the whole thing. Like, no problem there. Besides, she’s back to work. (Yes, she actually has a job! She’s a photographer. I’m sure that’s not an over-inundated profession in LA.)
Scruffy English Teacher Mr. Ryan Matthews asks Kelly out, but bumbles over the fact that Kelly has a 4 1/2- year old son. Considering Kelly’s history with men, this ain’t nuthin’. (So, I guess Kelly’s Potentially Inadequate Uterus really works? I wonder if they’ll follow up on the whole “I probably can’t carry a baby to term” thing from back in the day. DON’T FUCK WITH ME, FELLAS! THIS AIN’T MY FIRST TIME AT THE RODEO!)
But none of that matters, because, gawddamit, BRINDA WARSH IS BACK! And I don’t care that she’s even squiffier-looking than before when she shows up at the Pit, because she still sounds all laryngitisy just like the Brenda we know and love, and she totally hugs Nat before she hugs Kelly, so HA! And we find out some very important things as Kelly and Brenda start gabbing at the Megaburger-and-shake-less Pit:
• Brandon told Brenda to tell Kelly that she—Kelly—is beautiful
• Brandon is now in Belize
• Kelly talked to him at 3AM. Was that who was on the phone, who Sammy missed?! WAS IT?!
• Brenda hasn’t seen Sammy since he was a baby
So “We” the TV Viewers are, natch, meant to consider the possibility that Brandon “Shelf-Head” Walsh might be Sammy’s father. I’m sure there’ll be a twist, because really, this is too nice and neat, and as much of a hypocritical dickhead as Brandon was, I can’t see him as the Deadbeat Dad type. Now, Dylan, on the other hand….
The Original Hillster Girls also utter some very important meta-statements: “We’ve wasted a lot of time” and “let’s get back to where we were.” Oh, God, I hope not! Wait, I hope so! I hope for it ALL!
So, by Hour Two, I’ve decided I kind of like Erin “Silver” Silver. Plus she looks like what would happen if you put Posh Spice and Sporty Spice in a blender. Silver also spills dirt on some Past Hillstering… namely that Mel cheated on Jackie with Jackie’s best friend, and Silver found out and tried to keep it all secret so Jackie didn’t fall off the wagon yet again … and Silver confided these secrets in her best friend, Naomi, who told the whole world. So of course the shit hit the fan and Mel and Jackie got divorced (even though they weren’t remarried? Remember Jackie’s “If it ain’t broke, why fix it”?). And Silver explains their matching tramp stamp tattoos, Chinese characters for “friendship” that they supposedly got in 8th grad. Even in Los Angeles, where can two thirteen-year-olds get tattoos, huh?!
Ethan and his Freddy Mercury overbite visit with Kansas Annie—their grandmothers Lucille Bluth and Sue Ellen Ewing are friends, so it’s not like he had to make a whole lot of effort to tag along—and they reminisce about some carnival game where she won him a stuffed octopus-“A pentapus” Ethan clarifies, “It only had five tentacles.” Ladies and gents, the stupidest thing said in tonight’s episode!
Naomi confronts Ethan, smacks him, and then hooks up with his arch-nemesis George. That’s mean of Naomi, because, as Ethan whines, “I wouldn’t do that to a friend.” Hi, Ethan? You already did.
Anyway Naomi and her product-placed Chanel earrings mewls “Are you breaking up with me?” even though he’s already cheated on her and she’s hooked up with George, and Ethan goes “I’m breaking up with us.” It’s no “I choose me,” but… okay.
Scruffy Ryan Matthews shows up at Kelly’s with flowers. He’s baffled by the presence of wine and cheese and grapes and two wineglasses on Kelly’s porch, but luckily Brenda pops out of the front door to set him straight, and makes lots of “Uh huh, I’m on to you” smirks. God, I MISSED YOU BRENDA! Ryan has to clarify “I’m not a stalker.” Oh no, he’s just a bumbly sweet adorable guy with a crush. Someone needs to send Kelly The Gift of Fear. He also brought Kelly a Blackhawks cap for her son. Because that’s what boys like. Sheesh. So all’s forgiven, and he’s an ideal suitor for a single mother.
And Brenda offers to stay with Sammy, who’s just been tucked into bed and “won’t even know” Kelly’s gone. And she smirks some more… that “I wonder how I can rub your nose in THIS later!” that, “You always were a whore, Kelly Taylor” look. And, oh, I’m hoping as soon as Kelly leaves, Brenda’s going to sneak into the kid’s room to start whispering subliminal messages: “Ask your mommy about the New Evolution. Ask her about Alison and the fire!”
Then there’s something else about Ethan showing up at Annie’s house with his pentapus (*snicker*) but sees her kissing Ty and is all consternated. Sorry, Ethan, you lose. I think we’re supposed to feel bad for Ethan, but really, he’s an asshole and a cheater, and Ty is way better. Not to mention hotter. This means that, next episode, we’ll find out that Ty murdered his mother and chucked her remains in the La Brea tar pits, because according to 90210 tradition, no matter how bad a Hillster Boy is, his potential replacement must be cartoonishly worse (See: Colin, Ray, John Sears…)
And really, who cares when, next week, JACKIE TAYLOR IS BACK! WOULD SOMEONE GET THIS DAMNED SPOTLIGHT OUT OF MY EYES!
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(4 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)
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2 responses so far ↓
1 Kendra // Sep 4, 2008 at 11:08 am
brandon “shelf head” walsh. heehee.
2 gilbertblythe // Sep 4, 2008 at 12:56 pm
So, I guess Kelly’s Potentially Inadequate Uterus really works?
I had forgotten about that storyline. Good catch.
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