How did I get through a whole summer without Tyra?

At least I had Gossip Girl reruns to satiate my desire for dramatic, narcissistic bitches until the increasingly ridiculous Tyra brought her latest batch of would-be beauties to my TV set last night, for the inaugural episode of America’s Next Top Model’s 11th cycle (yes, I used the word inaugural to tie in to the barely believable political theme of the first photo shoot).

While this cycle’s girls are indeed some of the most gorgeous I’ve seen to date on ANTM, more importantly, they are by far the dumbest. Clark (the chick with a cool boy’s name who looks like Blake Lively/Kristin Cavalleri hybrid – yes I watched Laguna Beach too, does that surprise you?) couldn’t even figure out what bureaucracy meant in the “get out the vote shoot.” And while we’re on the topic of the photos, which showcased each new gal posing with a heavily-accessorized voting booth that was supposed to represent a political issue we must all go vote for or against come Nov. 4, I must ask: Is bureaucracy really an issue I can vote against? Because I’m all for that. And I didn’t realize cloning was a huge platform for those running for office this year. Wasn’t Dolly the sheep cloned over ten years ago? I’m sincerely glad this show came out after I’d left high school, when I could have actually been stupid enough to think they were really tackling some major world issues.

But enough bashing. I can’t express how much I love this show. Call it the Amy Winehouse of reality TV: it’s awful, a shame to society, an utter train wreck….and I can’t look away. So on to some positives: there are quite a few girls to keep an eye on this year, and I don’t believe in all my years of failed relationships and lost jobs caused by this obsession (I’m exaggerating….sorta), I don’t think I’ve ever heard so many compliments dished out for photos at the very first shoot.

I have a lot of girls I’d suggest you keep your eye on, right out of the gate. Elina, who looks like what I’d imagine Juno’s lovechild with a pre-Billy Bob Angelina Jolie to be, is only 18 but speaks like a Harvard master’s degree student and likes to make out with girls and boys alike, finally a reason for guys to get interested in ANTM! (Interestingly enough, one of the girls in the audition special right before the final 14 were chosen WAS a Harvard English grad who had never heard of Jack London – which gave Tyra a chance to show off her VERY surprising grasp of classic lit. Who knew she could look away from the mirror long enough to read a book?). At least there is one almost complete set of brain cells amongst the wannabe models.

A few other notables: Marjorie, the French transplant lacks any hint of social comfort but gives Tyra an excuse to show of her multilingualness. She photographs beautifully and will probably carry this season’s “coming out of her shell” storyline, albeit while her fidgeting annoys me to the point I might wage war on France. Her name IS fun to say with a French accent, though.

Also, Sheena is to die for. She’s a baby Kimora Lee but with a sense of humor about herself, and is the only one of the girls with enough life experience not to freak out when she learns one of the gals is really a guy.

Yes, yes, of course I am going to talk about Isis, the first ever transgender ANTM contestant. I just had to make you work for it a bit! Isis is indeed fierce, took what was probably the best photo of the night, and handled with relative grace our dear friend Clark’s assessment of her as a “he-she.” And she already rocked Tyra’s world as an extra during last cycle’s first photo shoot.

Sadly, we lost one of the three Brittanys (although this one changed her name to Sharaun, which reminds me of the sound I made when I puked after hearing her infomercial-eque pitch to the judges). My next pick for the high-heeled boot? Please, please let it be Miss Alaska, who reminds me of last cycle’s Lauren, who repeated at the start of each confessional, “I’m not a model, I’m too punk rock.” Except with Hannah, she’s from Alaska and grew up without running water. We get it. You’re in LA now, your downtown loft has heat, you will never be the same. And actually, for most of these small-town gals, those sentiments apply (except for the heat thing).

*America’s Next Top Model is on Wednesdays at 8 on the CW.

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