“We’re Not in Kansas Anymore”: Premiere Episode of 90210 (AKA Degrossip Girl Junior High School Musical).

So, yeah. It’s been over eight years since they left us. They’ve grown up and changed in the interim. So have we. So has Beverly Hills. So has America, television, fashion, the media, the genres of YA entertainment and youth culture, the very notions of “teen” and “family.” It’s been a long time since Kelly was a Spring Princess and Brenda didn’t give a damn, since Dylan took Brandon to the Green Room, since Donna and her first mother Nancy modeled at the mother-daughter fashion show.

We can tell lot has changed, because really, there’s no way we woulda gotten a blowjob scene within the show’s first five minutes from the OLD gang.

But the more things change in our favorite zip code, the more they stay the same, because, lucky for you, am I back to Rant about it! (However, now, I actually have a word limit.) But we can’t skimp on the beginning, can we?!

Let’s start off on the right foot. We all need to be honest that the only reason we’re tuning in to this 90210 v2.0 is to see what the old characters—and I don’t mean the Drunk Grandma—are up to now. You don’t have to pretend with me. Which is why I can barely feign interest when a travel-begrimed van filled with Non-Walshes makes its way into our beloved zip code.

We meet the Wilson family, promised to be “edgier” than the Walshes (and please, Wonder Bread was edgier than the Walsh family): Ma and Pa Wilson, Debbie and Harry. (Wait, Debbie Harry? For reals? Awesome!) She’s Aunt Becky, of course, and he’s got about as much personality and charisma as that Vortex of Suckitude Noah Hunter. And then there’re the kids: adorable and earnest Annie, who, if sold in doll form, would come with a hayseed-`in-the-ears playpack and a fluffy pet lamb, and semi-surly Dixon, who is BLACK! BLACK! No, really!

So, the only way to get a black kid at this school is 1) if Brandon Walsh needs to interview him about sports or 2) for him to be adopted by a white family?

For some reason, even though Harry Wilson (which sounds like something you pay extra for in the alley behind Rough Trader) is the new principal of West Beverly Hills High School, they’re all arriving a week after school starts, to live in his alcoholic mother’s mansion. Drunk Grandma is naturally on hand to greet the fam with disparaging comments, as quirky and sassy as a Beverly Hills version of something from Steel Magnolias. Like when she complains about the “crap wagon” that the gardener has parked in her driveway… even though she has just watched members of her family rummaging around in it for their belongings. But, hey, she’s just drunk and wacky! I sense a count of Drunk Grandma Quips in the future…

So the New Non-Walsh Kids show up at West Bev. And Annie is all excited to see some guy Ethan that she made out with once before, and who looks sort of like an ingrown pubic hair. And Ethan’s all sitting in an SUV, and Annie is shocked when some random girl lifts her head from his lap. Why… she was orally pleasuring him in the car! And before 10AM nutrition break, even! (Funny that it’s crowded with people, but Annie is the only one who sees this. This is important later when Dixon blows—no pun intended—the whistle on Ethan’s cheating and Annie wails that Ethan knows she’s the only one who could’ve told him. Yeah.)

Dixon, because he is BLACK!!!, frets about fitting in and “telling his story,” and his adoptive white father-black son bond with Harry over lacrosse. Erm, yeah. Lacrosse. That’s the big sport at West Bev. That’s the big sport for both Dixon and Harry from Wichita.

P.S. Ethan is lacrosse captain.

The first day at West Bev means We the TV Viewers get to meet our all-new 90210 gang:

First, there’s Navid, Blaze editor and stock Know-It-All, who is as annoying as Ohndrea Zuckerman. Remember when Carol Potter said that it was unrealistic that there were no Persian students on 90210? Well, Navid is it. (Speaking of Ohndrea, we get Quirky Old Show Reference #1: a news show with Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez as anchor! And the New Scruffy English Teacher guy goes, “What is that girl, like, 30?” HAW!)

And speaking of 30-year-old high school students, we meet Nomi- erm, Naomi, who looks like a hardened SoCal soccer mom. She’s planning a Super Unsweetened Sixteen party, dating Ethan, talking in uber-teen net-lingo, manipulating and insulting Annie, and dropping enough contrived allusions to her hurt and sadness ‘neath it all that, according to ChickLit/TV/RomCom Convention, we’re supposed to realize that she’s vulnerable and not shallow and dumb. And, you know, care. And Annie is more wholesome than Season 1 Brinda Warsh, because she boings around, innocent and friendly, talking to Naomi, who is full of “whatevs,” about a book report for A Tale of Two Cities. And if you don’t know exactly how THAT whole thing is going to play out, then you are stupider than Steve Sanders on a math placement test.

We meet George, a personality-less version of Steve Sanders, who makes those “loser-cough” comments in class, is blond and dumb and on the lacrosse team, and gets demoted in favor of Dixon. Gee.

So, school! And if you thought the kids at West Bev back in 1991 were glamorous and Hollywoody, this adds a quadruple shot of Hollywood to your Venti Glamoccino, because everyone is Botoxed and tanned and super-skinny with orangy-brown skin stretched over bone, friable limbs exposed by skimpy tanks, name-brand bags hanging from bandy arms. I expect that Kelly Taylor is somewhere in a bathroom popping appetite suppressants-

No, wait, there she is! Kelly Taylor, who is still Kelly Tailored to the max in a perfect pencil skirt and a shirt unbuttoned down to THERE (although her makeup has been spackled on with a liberal hand in a way that the dewy Kelly Taylor of yore would have abhorred. I think I’m relieved this show isn’t filmed in hi def). And she’s still talking itty bitty baby talk… this time to the new principal. Kelly and Harry are looking at a picture of their 90s selves, reminiscing about Kelly’s polka dot Spandex shorts. (And allow me to insert Tinhatty Conspiracy Rant #1, because I made Kelly Taylor return to West Bev as a guidance counselor TEN YEARS AGO in my stupid parody episodes, so, to quote Danny Drennan, where is my CREDIT and where is my PAYCHECK!?)

We also meet Adrianna, who looks like the bulimic ballerina from Center Stage crossed with post-makeover Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada. Sharpay-drianna has the lead in the school musical. She also attempts to buy drugs from a local Spicoli, but doesn’t have any money. The Stock Druggie Guy Character carries his stuff around in a book with the pages cut out in the middle. Dudes, even David Silver made less contrived drug deals than that.

And we meet Erin “Silver” Silver, who is all super-edgy and hardcore, just like Megan from Felicity. She randomly approaches Annie at lunch, confronts her about some “I like them because they’re still underground and no one knows them” band, grabs Annie’s French fries, and starts chatting. Because she’s unconventional, y’all. However, Silver has decided that sweet, friendly Annie “disses” her by being dragged off by Naomi, so Silver gets even with Annie by… um… posting some little animation thingie of Annie with her “boyfriend” the cow on her “messed up website.” But don’t worry… with a couple big sisterly words of advice from Kelly Taylor, stylish in a navy wrap dress (“That didn’t hurt Naomi! It hurt Annie! C’mon, you don’t wanna end up like Mom!”), Silver sees the error of her ways, and makes amends by suggesting Annie for the school musical, and Annie totally blows ‘em all away with her hammy over-singing and an almost DANCE-OFF with Sharpay-drianna in the end! Problems solved! Friendships sealed! (Well, except for upstaged Adrianna, who will have to drown her angst in more book-bound Xanax.)

So, between the guidance counselor’s sister and the principal’s kids, it’s all relative at West Bev, ain’t it? Conflict-of-interests? Check one, yes or no.

And yes, in a total shout-out to the old days of Ranting about him and his eternal coffee pot, there’s Nat, bitching that he just can’t get the complicated espresso machine at the Peach Pit to work. Wait. Espresso machine at the Peach Pit? What happened to the Peach Pit?! What is this “The Pit” crap?! What the hell is up with all these trendy tables and couches? Where’s the jukebox? WHERE ARE THE MEGABURGERS AND WHERE IS NADINE?!

The only thing to placate me is that Nat whines for Willie to help him. That’ll do.

School. Lacrosse. Navid calls Dixon “Wichita,” much like Dylan called Brandon “Minnesota.” Dixon’s on the team. George is demoted. George starts a fight. Dixon gets blames. Ethan is a big fat liar. Of COURSE.

At home, Drunk Grandma tells Dixon that, in a fight, he should “grab on to those jewels and twist them. Like a garbage bag” and then asserts “I say [the fight] was racially motivated!” Harry and his Vortex of No Personality goes, “Mo-o-om!” because Drunk Grandma is drunk and therefore ridiculous, because really, how could anything in this day and age possibly be racially motivated when we’ve come sooo far since the Robinson family moved to Hillcrest Drive and caused such controversy back in 1992? Then Drunk Grandma announces “I’m going to call Dan Tana’s for some takeout.” Yeah, because when I want takeout, I think Dan Tana’s, and when I want Dan Tana’s, I think takeout. Is this, like, the Chasen’s chili for the late ‘00s? Why is she ordering takeout for breakfast, anyway? Takeout breakfast from Dan Tana’s, no less! Will they open especially for her?

Naomi goes to some club in/by The Pit that I think is supposed to be the Peach Pit After Dark, looking like a 30-year-old Vegas hooker, and bumps into the Scruffy But Hot English teacher, Mr. Matthews, who says some b.s. about her term paper and then tells the bartender not to serve her because she’s underaged. Supposedly he buys that Naomi has written a term paper in one day, too. (I guess this explains why he has a crush on Kelly Taylor….) And Naomi whines that he’s “mean” to her.

Big Plot Twist! Naomi’s mother Ersatz Denise Richards used to date Harry Wilson in high school! He knocked her up! She’s a total hot L.A. Stepford MILF. She even comes over to the Wilsons house to visit with Harry, and is all hot and drunk and inappropriate, and tells some story about how they went to the Hollywood sign to climb the “H” but it fell down. Yeah. And then she asks Harry, “Why don’t you drive me home?” and Aunt Becky smiles perkily and says “Or even better, I could drive you home and we could swap stories about Harry’s penis!” Well, SNAP. You showed her, you strong, secure woman, you! (How’d Inappropriate Mom get there in the first place, huh?) Later, Ersatz Denise Richards informs Harry that she didn’t so much break up with him, have an abortion and run off to Europe as much as she went off to some Unwed Mothers’ Home to HAVE THEIR BABY! Take THAT!

So, Harry not only has a BLACK!!! adoptive son, but he has a white bastard one out there somewhere, too. This is sooooo Faulkneresque!

(Note: Aunt Becky once dated someone named “Morris Cornplume” who lived in a teepee.)

But one witty Aunt Becky moment aside, it’s Drunk Grandma who’s on hand to provide the OMGWTFBBQs. She admires Annie in a sexy party dress, and exclaims “Look at her ass! You could crack an egg on it! …Ricardo Montalban literally cracked an egg on mine!” Hear that sound… that’s the Hilarity and Hijinx ensuing. Cue them tubas!

Back at the PPAD, Naomi and Ethan fight. And Adrianna filches a bunch of cash for drugs from Naomi’s Chanel bag.

Wearing a stunning pair of camel-toe’d denim short-shorts, Naomi delivers Annie’s book report in Mr. Matthews’s class. And, battering We the Viewers with their Plot Bludgeons, sweet Annie’s Future Frienemy Naomi then gives Annie an $800 dress. (In 1990s 90210, they’d be debating the ethics of accepting such a gift. Here, no one bats an eye.)

George and Ethan fight about Dixon. Navid refers to Dixon as his bitch. Somewhere, someone’s already writing slash about it.

Naomi’s big birthday party. They even have pole dancers. WILD! Annie’s sneaked out. Some band who isn’t nearly as cool as The Donnas is playing. Naomi gets a text from Dixon that Ethan’s cheating on her. She cries. Wah. Blah blah blah, Contrived ChickLit-esque Drama.

Silver and Annie ditch Naomi’s party for a “real” party down at the beach. Somehow, in thirty minutes, Ethan has gone from dancing with Naomi at the club to surfing. At night. Huh? This makes no sense. Anyway, Annie and Ethan sort of make up.

And wait- WHAT’S THIS? Kelly Taylor on the phone, saying “He keeps asking about you… I can’t talk” and a darling curly-hair’d lad comes in whining “Mommy… I can’t sleep.”

And while, back at the beach, Dixon and Annie (when did Dixon get there?) are doing the contrived “Welcome to California” baptismal rite of frolicking in the ocean, we’re all left screaming “KELLY TAYLOR HAS A SON!?! WHOSE IS HE?!?!”

Photo by CWTV.com

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