So now that the giddiness of “ZOMG NEW 90210!!!” has passed, what are we left with? Frankly, not a lot.

The A plot revolves around the oh-so-overdone “How do we transplant our wholesome Midwestern family values into shallow Beverly Hills?” Namely, Aunt Becky and Harry the Dad-slash-Principal want to have “Family Night” just like back home. (And we’re supposed to believe that, in Wichita, Wholesome Annie and Black!!! Dixon happily spent their Friday nights with Mom and Dad?)

Aunt Becky surprises them on a school day morning with an Alice Wakefieldian pancake breakfast, but natch, everyone is too busy rushing off to school, which makes Aunt Becky sad. Is their family falling apart? (Yeah, because it isn’t last week’s surprise illegitimate child that’s an issue, cupcake, it’s breakkie.) So she insists that tomorrow they’re all going to go bowling! Dadcipal agrees that they’re bringin’ a Little Kansas to Beverly Hills because it’s all about family! FUN! Yes, and despite the fact that both kids’ve already made plans, to: Annie’s supposed to go out with Not-Zach-Efron-But-Close Ty and Dixon’s going to hang with Navid “Ethnic Okay (tm Mediarama)” Shirazi and Ethan “Overbite” Ward to watch a new, unreleased Bond flick in Navid’s family’s screening room (Wait, I thought Navid’s dad was a porn director?). So maybe the kids’re gonna watch “James Dong: Quantum of Penis” or something?

HAW! And there’s a whole lot of talk as Navid invites everyone about “Is YOUR MOM gonna be there?” I guess Navid’s mom has got it goin’ on. So the kids cancel-ish their plans; Annie even supposedly texts Ty to tell him. Like, what, “NO D8 2NITE. GOT 2 GO BWLING W ‘RENTS. KTHXBYE”? But both secretly plan to have their friends meet them at the bowling alley so they can ditch the old folks and go have fun. Subtle, kids.

Hilarity and hijinx are supposed to ensue, but never actually do. Instead, everyone kind of enjoys themselves, and eventually the parents relent and let the kids go play with their friends. And then Dadcipal and Aunt Becky moan over grapes, cheese and wine about wanting to be “cool parents.” And then Dadcipal says “Are we about to have that ‘I wanna have another baby’ conversation?” Does this mean that 90210 will Cousin Oliver itself out of existence in the first season? Aw, bummer, Aunt Becky says she’ll settle for “a puppy” instead. Because babies and puppies are analogous. Twats.

The B.1 plot is all about Erin “Silver” Silver’s troubled home life. Apparently Jackie’s hittin’ the bottle so hard that Silver has been… staying at a women’s shelter. Because it’s better than being at home. Which smacks of a bit of Drama Queeniness. You have other options, Silver! Needless, she wets her Hot Topic knickers at the thought of the Walsh- er, Wakefie- um Wilsons’ “Family Night” and ends up sleeping in her car in their driveway, where Dixon finds her, and they bond and some stuff. (He mentions how he knows what she’s going through. “I didn’t grow up in the Cosby family! You think every other family I lived with was like THIS? Noooo!”) Silver still looks like a Second Generation Spice Girl. That might be why I like her, despite this whole stupid plot.

In the B.2 plot, we’re also supposed to feel sorry for Nomi- erm, Naomi, whose Daddy PWN!!!s her out of a special trip to Vegas to see Coldplay (and really, that’s who the kids’re excited about?). Dad cancels because he has to work late, gives her a fancy car instead, Naomi’s bummed, and she is a super-nice daughter and decides to bring her hard-workin’ daddy some din-din from Nobu and…. Yeah, the “OMG Daddy’s Cheating on Mommy!” reveal is as obvious as Naomi’s camel-toe. (Something tells me she and Silver will be able to mend fences over their Dallying Daddies in future episodes.) So Naomi goes home to break the news to her mother, Ersatz Denise Richards, who is Stepfordishly “I know all about her” and “I don’t want to break up this family!” (Say, Dad’s name is Charles, so maybe I ain’t too far off with the DR thing!) So Naomi, naturally, ends up bawling all over Ethan and his overbite. Although I’ll bet in a week or two, she’ll have some Daddy-esque older dude relationship, too. What can you expect, though, when Daddy calls you “Princess”?

Note:

• Naomi’s fashion choices may be the most dubious in Hillsterland, too, between her Magic Curl Barbie hair and her “Denim Ho-Down” short jumpsuit ensemble. Just say no to rompers, girls! Please!
• Adrianna shows up briefly, singing along on her headphones. “You sound pitchy,” snips Naomi. “You sound bitchy!” Sharpay-driana snips back. Scintillating dialogue, guys.
• Ethan and his overbite spend a whole lot of time scamming on Annie’s miniskirt-clad ass, probably wondering if he could crack an egg on it. He whines a bit about his parents’ divorce, but then Ty shows up and… wah wah wah waaaaaah. Then Annie has to be a Good Friend and check on Naomi and her Daddy Breakdown, and Ty bails to go catch some band. Wah waaaaah redux.
• No sign of Drunk Grandma, thus the Witty Quips and Hilarity & Hijinx Counts are way down this ep. No Brinda Warsh, either. Bitches.

But, in the “I’m still over-invested in All Things 90210ly” department… when the show kicks off, there’s Silver, coming in to school late, and there’s Kelly “Partiality” Taylor in her natty cobalt blue wrap-dress, making a big deal of “not seeing” her so she doesn’t have to give her sister a late slip, and Ryan “McScruffy” Matthews even calls her on it and Kelly’s reasoning is “Hell no, she’s my sister!” and McScruffy goes “Nepotism?” and Kelly goes “Yeah, you got a problem with that?” Ah, the twisted-logic-favoritism of Hillsterland continues unto the next generation! *tumultuous applause!*

McScruffy uses this as an excuse to ask Kelly out again. Of COURSE. p.s. He LOOOOVES kids and volunteers at a Juvy Hall! Isn’t he awesome?! And when they go out, he passive-aggressively hints that Kelly doesn’t trust him because she “isn’t ready” for him to meet her son, Sammy. Dude, between the martyr-like do-gooderness and the mind games at the very beginning of the relationship, this guy’s PERFECT for Kelly Taylor! C’mon, Ryan, tell her she’s your soulmate, and you’ll be set! Ryan also has this whole routine of self-deprecating tics and moues and jokes, sort of like an American version of Hugh Grant, which is annoying. Then again, Kelly responds with a whole bunch of goofy Kelly faces, so maybe they’re even.

Kelly inform Ryan – and thus, We the TV Viewers – that she’s only dated one guy seriously in the last four years… Sammy’s father. “We had a whole lot of history in high school… didn’t see each other for a while… and then… hooked up one night four years ago.” Dudes, if they rip off my Parody Episodes, and Sammy’s father is Steve Sanders, why, I’ll…! *shaking fist* Anyway, Kelly and McScruff end up sucking each others’ faces off in his car after their dinner date.

The Big Jackie Scene was a bit of a let-down, though. In fact, I think half the dialogue (“Oh, because your life was SO AWFUL!”) is taken straight from Season 5, the Kelly Has an Oogey Burn Scar episodes. And Jackie and Kelly end up in an actual, real, physical tug-of-war with Silver. But Jackie also gets a dig in re: Sammy’s father: “…unless, by some miracle, HEEEEE has decided to come back and act like a dad!” The next drink’s on me, Jackie! (How come Jackie’s prop booze glass is all tragical, but Drunk Grandma’s is comical?)

And then there’s a whole ending montage of the various families breakfasting in Hillsterland 2.0. First a sad, simple “What’s up?” text from Ethan to Annie. Touching. Then Naomi, and her Stepford Parents. Then Kelly and Sammy and Silver eating cereal in bed and playing. Awwww. Then Dixon and Annie serving Aunt Becky and Dadcipal some “family time” along with scrambled eggs and fresh fruit.

Well, there’s always next week, where it looks like Brinda Warsh is gazing at Ryan playing a guitar, and Kelly’s snipping “You were talking to Brenda about me?” And I’m, naturally, hoping for a “…and after she hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, she cheated on him with my brother…” but, as I’ve learned from Naomi, I shouldn’t set my hopes too high….

(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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