I apologize, readers, for I have done you all a grave disservice. I must have been so traumatized last week by this issue that I blocked it out of my mind. But thanks to some brave work by my therapist, I now have the courage to address not this week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model, but the commercials. Specifically, Cycle 10 winner Whitney’s My Life as a Covergirl spots. I have two words for that: GAG ME. Not that these ads have ever been successful in my opinion, serving only to showcase the increasing stupidity and inability of Tyra’s final picks to read giant words of a big white flashcard. Jaslene, anyone? But Whitney, good lord. During her season’s commercial shoot, the panel berated her repeatedly that she was just too sexed up in her reads to be taken seriously. So I guess she took the other route, going the complete opposite direction until she managed to sound like someone’s grandmother whispering them to sleep. With an oxygen mask on. If this were an audio forum, I would do my impression of her and you would all shoot milk out of your noses with mirth. At least she doesn’t talk about how plus-sized she is anymore.

Now that I’ve gotten last cycle’s victim out of the way, let’s see who might be doing the same pained Covergirl readings during next year’s commercial breaks. My money is one three girls: Lauren Brie, Elina and Jocelyn (forgive me Jocelyn, I didn’t even mention you last week). Let’s be honest: Lauren Brie probably doesn’t need this competition. She knows what’s up. She was the first to climb up the rope ladder to the “gorgeous balloon”, as Mr. Jay called it (I didn’t realize hot air balloons could be sexy but I imagine this one was probably hand-stitched by Valentino himself), and she ROCKED it. Much better than the pictures Tyra loves to show off of herself when she first started out (I hope she doesn’t frequent this site, or she’ll punish me by forcing me told hold up a mirror and follow her around). As for Elina, allow me to apologize for my common comparison of her to Angelina Jolie; after every single one of the panelists used this oh-so-obvious description to praise her obscenely hot photo, I realized that I’m better than that. (Well, maybe not Nigel, he’s too sexy for me to insult). But those looks are probably what lured bigot-ty Clark to smooch on her in the hot tub, and I wouldn’t want to detract from that romance. Finally, we have Jocelyn, who I can sense is going to be one of my faves simply because she seems too plain nice to get caught up in the bitchery that 18- and 19-year-old hot chicks practice for fun. I think I looked her over last week because while her photo was fiercely fabulous, in person she comes off like a Walmart-dressing, hoedown havin gal from Lucky, La. (that’s right, there’s a place in the South called that). But in pictures, my goodness, she is slammin?! And since the judges haven’t whipped out the tried and true “bring what’s in the photo to judging” spiel, I think she’s safe for now.?

Now it is my sad duty to inform you that Nikeysha is no longer with us. It’s probably for the best, considering she told one of the world’s top accessory designers not only that she had to use the potty, but that she would dedicate her stream of pee to Tarina Tarantino should she not be able to hold the floodgates. (Her exact words were, “This is for you.” Ick.) But I was actually surprised that she got the boot this episode: Paulina even said if it weren’t for her stunning face in the photo, she’d vote against Nikeysha. Guess she did anyhow. Not much of a loss though. I was truly worried for my girl Sheena, whose fake boobies gave her the chance to prove herself as a gal with integrity when she admitted to them and in the end saved her for another week. Me thinks Tyra felt too much affinity for the gal with the implants…
Who do I think should have gone home? Miss Alaska, Hannah. Not that I think she’s a racist (ignorant yes, but not intentionally evil like Clark), but because she just BUGS. I hate the dogpile thing that goes on every cycle when the other girls find out who they can tear apart, and I would have liked to see it nipped in the bud sooner than usual this time. But by picking a cute little huntress from the forty-ninth state, Tyra probably thinks she predicted the 2008 presidential election and if the GOP wins, she’ll invite Sarah Palin onto the Tyra Show and force Palin to thank her for getting her elected. Then Tyra will ask her about her G-spot or something inappropriate and the whole plan will have fallen into place.

*America’s Next Top Model is on every Wednesday night at 8 on the CW.

(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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