Greetings, kids! Tonight’s recap is a special one… not because of 90210 in particular, but because I have to go in for a spot of surgery tomorrow and am watching and writing my recap baked out of my gourd on Xanax. Consider this an artistic experiment, like Brinda Warsh with her “Laverne” thingie at the Peach Pit, yeah?

Onward!

Why are they still showing “previously’s” from the first episode? Like we need Human Sleeping Pill Harry “Dadcipal” Wilson gushing about palm trees again?

And wheee, right outa the gate with a whole bunch of Drunk Grandma Quips! The drama coach has been called away “indefinitely” and Dadcipal has got to find another one. Annie freaks over breakfast; they can’t cancel the class musical! And Drunk Grandma, who’s acting (and dressed) like something out of The Birdcage, announces “Fine. I’ll do it!” Everyone hems and haws, but (Drunk Grandma Quip #1): “Sweetheart, when the theater is in pain, I come to mend the wound!” Then she yammers about director’s advice (DGQ #2): “If you’re not breathing from your ass and reaching to the skies, the back row won’t hear you!” Aunt Becky sporfles coffee. And then (DGQ #3): “I slept with him!”

Naomi. Ersatz Denise Richards. Cheatin’ Charles. Christmas card photo session in hot California sun. Sister will be photoshopped in. Point? “OMG, our family is sooooo fake!” Wah. “This is between me and your dad. Stay out of it!” More wah. What is Nomi- er, Naomi wearing?! Lace up bustier, pleated skirt, work boots AND ankle socks?! You ARE a whore, darlin’!

And here’s why we tuned in! Kelly “Flatiron” Taylor and Brinda “Botox” Warsh are breakfasting at the West Bev caf. They namedrop The Peach Pit AND “Donna Martin Graduates” in the first breath! Yes! Kelly’s all “TYVM, that’s gonna be stuck in my head all day.” And supposedly Donna has a baby. (Wouldn’t Brinda say “Donna and David’s baby”? DUN DUN DUUUUN! I still bet that Tori pulled out because she wanted Deeeean to have a role and the PTW were all, “Sorry, cupcake, your daddy’s gone now, so suck it.”) They sort of talk about Ryan “Goober” Matthews (Kelly: “He’s ten years younger than me! I mean, I asked him where he was when Kurt Cobain died and he said he was watching cartoons!”) and the unnamed HE who is Kelly’s Baby Daddy. Kelly’s wearing yet another unbuttoned-down-to-THERE white shirt with a black pencil skirt.

Naomi goes to whine at Ethan “Overbite” Ward about how fakey her family is. Wah. Ethan looks so full of “care.” He doesn’t quite make me miss Noah Hunter, but he IS as wooden as a Louisville Slugger.

Dixon munches up Dadcipal’s car in the school parking lot.

Ryan invites Kelly out for pizza Saturday, but there’s no one to watch Sammy. Ryan asks why Sammy’s dad can’t do it. Turns out he’s a charity working “do-gooder”—which is pretty pick-the-log-out-of-your-own-eye-Kelly-Taylor!—who is halfway around the world right now. Fuck. It IS Dylan, isn’t it?!

Perky Annie and Ethan the Overbite have a whole not-many-words-but-a-whole-bunch-of-casual-gestures non-conversation conversation about Naomi and Ty, and then decide to have a hang-out date at the Peach Pit. Annie mugs and goons as much as Donna did back in the day. Then she runs—literally—into Ty and mugs some more about not being able to accept his invite to go see some band. There’s something Britney-esque about Annie… like the Nice Girl who looks all clean and cute and makes all these sweet girlish faces, but will, I don’t know, ten years down the road end up eating cheese curds in gravy at the state fair with inch-long acrylic French-tips, wearing a pair of stretch-capris, toe rings, and a bedazzled “Obey the Queen!” t-shirt with three kids in tow.

Naomi tracks down Erin “Silver” Silver to beg her not to blog about her dad’s affair. She tells Silver “I get it now!” about cheating dads and gossip and angst. Cry me an effing river, Naomi; there’s always someone younger and hungrier than you comin’ down the stairs after you. But Silver, as usual, spends this episode being awesome. She tells Naomi, essentially “So effing what?” Then tells Annie that she’s being a total idiot about her date with Ethan. Then she tells Dixon to study for Bio because “Those dimples aren’t going to get you into Harvard.” I’ll even overlook the uber-contrived “I just like being different” shtick she trots out when she has a Coke with him at the Peach Pit.

School. Musical rehearsal. Drunk Grandma offers advice (DGQ #3): “You gotta sing like your privates are on fire! For God’s sake, just because you’re a bunch of rich brats doesn’t mean you can’t have angst!” Then Drunk Grandma does a whole Mama Rose thing around the stage, which results in Annie begging Dadcipal to find a new director.

Sharpay-drianna does nothing this episode. Poor thing.

Dixon applies at The Peach Pit. Nat and his Captain Kangaroo hair “once hired a kid from West Beverly, a long, long time ago. He was a good egg.” So basically… Dixon… gets the job because of Brandon?! If Brandon “Fuehrer” Walsh is “a good egg” then I’d like to exchange it, please!

Dixon and Dadcipal have a very Brandon-and-Jim discussion about jobs and working and balancing schoolwork and buying a nice car. Must we? Again?

And then Naomi filches her cheating daddy’s Blackberry and calls his girlfriend and finds out where she works, and God help us, then Naomi goes over to Overbite’s house to angst. Overbite is watching his brother Rain Man, who is OCDing all over the place about pillows on the couch, but Naomi magically distracts him, and everything is peachy-keen! All it takes is some whining, and Ethan and his overbite decide to help Naomi confront her dad’s slut. Gee, I wonder how this is gonna go….

Kelly gets Brinda to “assist” Drunk Grandma in directing the musical. What does Brinda know about musicals, huh? And SWEET JESUS, what is Brinda wearing?!? She’s got on some cut-off denim shorts, over-the-knee Uggs, a long white peasant shirt, giant hoop earrings, and one of those fucking summer non-scarf scarfs—in black, how arty!—wrapped around her neck. What happened to the hippy witch, dress?! Drunk Grandma screams. Brinda Warsh placates.

Ty, in a yoooooge shout-out to Me! Me! Me! comes into the Peach Pit and orders coffee to go. He sees Annie, all Stood Up. He also gives Dixon a big tip.

And okay, THIS, bitches, is why I love Brinda Warsh! Because when Ryan tries to dig for info about Kelly’s Baby Daddy, Brinda says, all squiffy, “You know, I don’t feel comfortable talking about Kelly’s personal life. If you have questions, you should just ask her.” Oh, Brinda, I’ll forgive you the scarf, baby-doll!

Naomi, Ethan, whatever, Daddy’s Whore’s work. Gail is a huge snatch-bag with Velcro closures, and finally snaps at Naomi, “I guess somehow it’s worth it to me… because I love him.” Gawd damn, you suck, Gail! You’re actually making me want to share some of my Xanax with Naomi (but luckily, I know she can damned well afford her own, so this is mine all mine). Ersatz Denise Richards is so freakin’ stupid that she didn’t even realize that “Dad lied!” when he said he was letting “friends” stay in their beach house, but moved Gail in instead. Next thing you know, she’ll be surprised that feng shui isn’t actually a “science,” that rubbing your face with your morning urine won’t make wrinkles go away, and that our government and media are often misleading.

Silver flirts with Dixon a lot. Yeah, I don’t get it either.

Drunk Grandma, supposedly sober (she’s drinking coffee), tells Sweet Annie that she’s quitting the play, “you’re in good hands with Brenda,” and “you’re very talented.” We can’t even chalk this up to in vino veritas, so who knows? So Annie thinks that everything is rosy-posy in her world, and cuts Ethan and doingiddy-doings over to Ty to ask if he can get tix to some show this weekend, and he’s all “Yeah, I already have tickets but I’m going with someone else. See ya.” And Annie makes a whole bunch of faces.

Then Kelly gets all bent out of shape at Ryan asking about “Sammy’s dad,” and charges out of the school building to the parking lot to snip at Brinda that “You shouldn’t’ve said ANYTHING!” to Ryan about her. And Brinda, uncharacteristically, doesn’t start yelling back, but tells Kelly she’s all “emotional” about this and she obviously must “still have feelings” for HIM and blah blah blah and “You are never going to be happy with someone else because you’re still in love with Dylan! And you know it!”

I don’t know whether to groan or scream.

Dixon gets an incomplete on Matthews’ test. Dadcipal shows up at the Peach Pit to talk to him about it. Confession, car, “I wanted to take care of this myself!” and all that crap.

Naomi and her thirty-year-old-suburban-mom hair is all in bed with her mother (!), watching movies on her laptop of her and Overbite at the zoo in some monkey hats, and gooning.

Annie brings Ty home-baked snickerdoodles, to apologize. Hey, I ain’t the only baked goods in Los Angeles tonight! Then she macks down on him in the hallway and grins up at him beatifically. Ty falls for it and calls her “frickin’ adorable.” Barf. But at least it’s better than Naomi wearing some monkey cap from the Ethan movies and waiting for Overbite by his car and all this crap about them starting over. Haven’t they had about six “starting overs” from what we’ve heard?

Next week, it looks like something SEXUAL is gonna happen with Annie and Ty! And Brinda Warsh is worried about Annie! Here, Bren, I got a Xanax….

(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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