Greetings, kids! Tonight’s recap is a special one… not because of 90210 in particular, but because I have to go in for a spot of surgery tomorrow and am watching and writing my recap baked out of my gourd on Xanax. Consider this an artistic experiment, like Brinda Warsh with her “Laverne” thingie at the Peach Pit, yeah?
Onward!
Why are they still showing “previously’s” from the first episode? Like we need Human Sleeping Pill Harry “Dadcipal” Wilson gushing about palm trees again?
And wheee, right outa the gate with a whole bunch of Drunk Grandma Quips! The drama coach has been called away “indefinitely” and Dadcipal has got to find another one. Annie freaks over breakfast; they can’t cancel the class musical! And Drunk Grandma, who’s acting (and dressed) like something out of The Birdcage, announces “Fine. I’ll do it!” Everyone hems and haws, but (Drunk Grandma Quip #1): “Sweetheart, when the theater is in pain, I come to mend the wound!” Then she yammers about director’s advice (DGQ #2): “If you’re not breathing from your ass and reaching to the skies, the back row won’t hear you!” Aunt Becky sporfles coffee. And then (DGQ #3): “I slept with him!”
[Read more →]
So now that the giddiness of “ZOMG NEW 90210!!!” has passed, what are we left with? Frankly, not a lot.
The A plot revolves around the oh-so-overdone “How do we transplant our wholesome Midwestern family values into shallow Beverly Hills?” Namely, Aunt Becky and Harry the Dad-slash-Principal want to have “Family Night” just like back home. (And we’re supposed to believe that, in Wichita, Wholesome Annie and Black!!! Dixon happily spent their Friday nights with Mom and Dad?)
Aunt Becky surprises them on a school day morning with an Alice Wakefieldian pancake breakfast, but natch, everyone is too busy rushing off to school, which makes Aunt Becky sad. Is their family falling apart? (Yeah, because it isn’t last week’s surprise illegitimate child that’s an issue, cupcake, it’s breakkie.) So she insists that tomorrow they’re all going to go bowling! Dadcipal agrees that they’re bringin’ a Little Kansas to Beverly Hills because it’s all about family! FUN! Yes, and despite the fact that both kids’ve already made plans, to: Annie’s supposed to go out with Not-Zach-Efron-But-Close Ty and Dixon’s going to hang with Navid “Ethnic Okay (tm Mediarama)” Shirazi and Ethan “Overbite” Ward to watch a new, unreleased Bond flick in Navid’s family’s screening room (Wait, I thought Navid’s dad was a porn director?). So maybe the kids’re gonna watch “James Dong: Quantum of Penis” or something?
[Read more →]
“We’re Not in Kansas Anymore”: Premiere Episode of 90210 (AKA Degrossip Girl Junior High School Musical).
So, yeah. It’s been over eight years since they left us. They’ve grown up and changed in the interim. So have we. So has Beverly Hills. So has America, television, fashion, the media, the genres of YA entertainment and youth culture, the very notions of “teen” and “family.” It’s been a long time since Kelly was a Spring Princess and Brenda didn’t give a damn, since Dylan took Brandon to the Green Room, since Donna and her first mother Nancy modeled at the mother-daughter fashion show.
We can tell lot has changed, because really, there’s no way we woulda gotten a blowjob scene within the show’s first five minutes from the OLD gang.
But the more things change in our favorite zip code, the more they stay the same, because, lucky for you, am I back to Rant about it! (However, now, I actually have a word limit.) But we can’t skimp on the beginning, can we?!
[Read more →]
We’ve met a bunch of new people. We’ve been titillated. We’ve been Plot-Bludgeoned. On with the second episode of the two-episode premiere of 90210 2.0! (It’s called “The Jet Set.” More like “OMG He’s Got a Private Jet!!!” Set.)
Wacky Hijinx Alert: the rival high school literally—LITERALLY—trashes West Bev, so Dixon is all conflicted and has to choose between bonding with his new teammates by retaliating and respecting his Dad-Principal by taking the high road. Dixon shows respect for both by appropriating a Drunk Grandma-suggested prank of letting pigs loose on the Palisades High field… just like his dad did back in the day. Aw, have a Lifesaver, son!
[Read more →]
