Even though I had it long time ago, I’ll never forget the time I lost virginity of my bush. I was 22, almost an old maid to today’s girls when I visited the wax lady. I had my lady-garden well groomed at all times, but I was going to Miami, the place of shave-it-all and I didn’t feel the adequacy of my little garden. I didn’t want to feel like I grew up in a naked house.

A tall and masculine Polish woman led me to the dingy room of a nail parlor and commanded me to bare it all and lay on the massage table. She then told me to spread my legs to form a perfect “v” with my legs in the air. She squinted down at me and what lasted like a few seconds seemed to me like hours. I felt more naked and exposed than at a gynecologist office, omit the feet rails of a gynecologist chair. She then put my ankle over her shoulder, revealing bits even my gynecologist had not seen and said “You want it all off.” I was in shock from all the humiliating exposition I was still laying in. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes and just mumbled “yes.”

The next thing I knew, I felt the soothing warmth of liquid wax over my privates and thought to myself “it’s not that bad.” I regretted these exact thoughts just seconds later when I felt the first searing, agonized rip and I almost screamed the name of Hitler as I felt the pain that could probably come as close to the pain as from torture at the Buchenwald concentration camp.

The polish wax woman padded me with baby powder and started to work more frantically. I was still in shock from the inhuman pain when I felt second, third, fourth rip. At this point I not only cursed at all the tyrants of the world, but I hated all men out there who make us do it because they like “it all naked.” Not only was I clinching the bed, biting my lips, but I also felt the tears rolling down my cheeks, uncontrollably. I could not believe I was actually paying for this torture. I must be insane or a masochist. And I thought it would actually improve my sex life or put me in the same “naked” hot rank with the Miami babes?

At home, feeling like I’ve been to a boot camp of waxing, I was afraid to look at it. When I glanced in the mirror, I was horrified because it looked like a nappy rash. Never again, I thought. No matter how much I like the guy and no matter how bare the other women are willing to go, no one is worth this pain! I’d rather be single than look like a plucked chicken. The next day it looked even worse, inflamed and burning; I couldn’t even take a shower not to mention to wear underwear.

I told myself, why do I need it? I am a sophisticated, smart and good-looking girl. The guys always liked me and no one complained about my neatly trimmed bush. But now I live in LA. And this is the city of sun, beach, Hollywood and singles. I thought I escaped obsessive wax behavior of my friends in New York, but Los Angeles is the same. Coming to LA puts a pressure when you are poolside along with gorgeous women and men. I thought to myself, what if I’m in sauna with these spotless women: they’ll think I’m the girl from a jungle just because I have a thin line of hair down there.

LA is notorious for sex and fun and for women and men wanting to look like they are walking off the pages of Playboy and Playgirl. But not all of us live in the valley and work in porn industry. And if it was not a humiliating enough visualization of a wax parlor, here is something for you, gentlemen.

Being on your front, holding your buttocks apart while there is hot wax involved is not the most appealing and comfortable place to be, even if it’s a woman who does your wax. And we aren’t going through these horrors for ourselves (a woman would be lying if she told you so,) but for our men who aren’t making the same sacrifices in return. You think giving oral sex to a woman is only pleasurable when it’s all bare and smooth, well, guess what: it’s not all that fun to lick those hairy balls either, so wax it if you want a waxed pussy.

Also, we’re making ourselves look like pre-pubescent girls, which is disturbing as it is. And I’m not saying that those men are all perverts, they’ve just been watching too much porn, which barely shows any female hair, unless it’s a Latino porn (don’t even ask me how I know.)

In LA nobody dreams of going natural, which is why I felt the pressure into having those waxes again and started to ask my girlfriends for a good wax place. I felt more comfortable going to a wax person who does my girlfriends than to a stranger (not that it will make the matter any less uncomfortable.) You still get on your hands and knees to form a perfect doggy style pose, or as yoga guru would say, you form a perfect Adho Mukha Svanasana. As some of my male friends say, “it’s just all a nice surprise when a woman is all naked down there,” or “it makes everything a lot better to look at,” or “it’s much more pleasant and a lot smoother to touch and feel.”

I got to thinking and tried to recall famous sex scenes. “Basic Instinct” came first to my mind (I was visually selecting tasteful erotic films, not porn.) Browsing from scene to scene in the film, I couldn’t recall that Sharon Stone had it all bare; she had a strip of hair, which, as I recall and you’ll tell me if you disagree, drove all men crazy. I recalled Bernardo Bertolucci’s latest scandalous film “The Dreamers” with gorgeous and sexy French actress and American import, Eva Gardner. Her character, a French libertarian, had a full bush. By no means was it trimmed at all, and that bush drove men crazy both in the movie and in the audience (as I recall.) And in case you’re wondering, my waxes didn’t improve my sex life. But if you are still thinking the pain is worth that man you want to have sex with, make sure you’re having a lot of sex before your next appointment with a wax parlor lady. And me, personally, I’d rather have an au naturel penis than a sandpaper one in my bed.

I guess is I had to recommend a torture chamber it would be the following:

Star Nails (Orange Grove and Santa Monica Blvd.) Ask for the Russian lady, Ella – a guru and a pro of 17 years in eyebrow, lip and bikini wax.

(Rate this article!)

 Loading ...

Check out these related stories

• Food: Tropicalia Brazilian Grill