This has nothing to do with Whack-A-Mole.  I just really wanted to type that.  Things are slow this week, folks.  But, here’s what’s a happening:

• Beyonce is over being a pop star.  Uh-huh.  I’m over oxygen.  And coffee.  Yeah, right!  Beyonce told Marie Claire UK, “There is a time limit on being a pop star, yes. Being a legend, an icon? Absolutely not. I’m over being a pop star. I don’t wanna be a hot girl. I wanna be iconic. And I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot. I feel like I’m highly respected, which is more important than any award or any amount of records. And I feel like there comes a point when being a pop star is not enough.”  Nah, girl.  You did not just say that to a reporter!  That’s the stuff you say to Jay in the limo after you’ve had too many white wine spritzers.  People can’t afford the gas it takes to get to their jobs at Burger King.  Saying that being a pop star is “not enough” loud enough for people to hear you is just obnoxious.
• It’s official.  She’s doing it again.  Yeah, Brit Brit’s opening the VMA’s.  “MTV has long played an important role in my career. How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs?” Britney said in an official statement released to the media. “I’m excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated.”

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Nicolas Cage

“I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.” ~ Nicolas Cage

• Year Born:  1964
• Age:  44
• Times Married:  3
• # of Kids: 2
• Height in Meters:  1.83m
• Size of his personal island:  40 acres
• Year of first film:  1981
• Films Cage has appeared in to date:  61
• Acting Awards Won: over 20, yo.
• Year of Best Actor Oscar (For Leaving Las Vegas):  1995
• Worldwide Box Office Gross of National Treasure:  $347,512,149

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• Jessica Simpson has a secret nickname for Tony Romo.  If you just ate, skip to the next story. Unless you want to puke.  (Hey, you never know.)  Jessica calls Tony “FBD - Future Baby Daddy” when she’s talking about him to friends.  “She knows he’s not ready to get that serious, so she’s playing it cool,” says a friend. “Tony doesn’t know, of course.”  He probably will now.  Surely someone will hear about it and clue him in.  Maybe homeboy will start focusing on what he needs to focus on right now, which is winning a Super Bowl for me.  Oh, and for all the other Dallas Cowboys fans out there.  Them too.
• Josh Hartnett gets caught on tape having sex in a library.  No, the girl wasn’t a librarian.  Yeah, that’s what I was hoping for too but unfortunately she was just some normal hot chic.  According to The Daily Mirror, the library at the Soho hotel he was staying at was loaded with CCTV cameras that caught all of Josh’s moves as he and the girl threw down amongst the stacks.  “Josh didn’t seem bothered that the library wasn’t locked and anyone could just burst in. He just kind of went for it.  After the event, someone had a quiet word in Josh’s ear and he was asked to take his personal business elsewhere in future,” a witness reported.  Doh!

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This is just too good to be true. Pam Anderson and Michael Jackson are reportedly dating. Maybe Pam spent Labor Day weekend watching 80 hours of 80’s videos on VH1, like I did. That’s enough to cloud any person’s judgement and to make you nostalgic for the Michael Jackson of yesteryear. You know, the one with light-up footsteps and cool dance moves. The one who could soothe gangsters with a mere pelvic thrust, eliminating the need for a violent brawl and making the gang members from Central Casting just want to dance! Yeah, that guy. He’s crush-worthy, right?

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• Van Halen is pissed that McCain used their song without asking. Yup, the Senator used “Right Now” for his big entrance in Ohio but the band wants everyone to know that they don’t approve. Van Halen told TMZ, “Permission was not sought or granted nor would it have been given.” Political Burn!
• David Duchovney, star of Showtime’s Californication, checked himself into rehab for sex addiction. “I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction,” he said in a statement. “I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.” Because of his character on Californication, there’s been speculation that he’s pulling an Eva Mendes (researching his role) but I don’t know. I hope he gets the help he needs, if he needs it.

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It’s been a banner week for good ole’ Michael Lohan. A banner week! Can anyone shut this dude up? Earlier in the week, Lindsay’s Pa let everyone know how he felt about her gal pal Samantha Ronson. Completely unprovoked by Ronson, Mr. Lohan said, “People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some L.A. DJ.” (Dlisted) Nice, huh? Then, after the unfortunate news broke that his father passed away, Michael Ronson did what any Celebri-Dumbass worth their title would do. He contacted the media to complain about yet another member of his family. Here’s what he had to say to OK! Magazine: “My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina’s attorney. Let’s see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral.” There’s more. He goes on to say, “THIS will show her true colors! Thus, not even a call. But that’s par for the course with Dina! She didn’t even send a card or visit when he was sick.”

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• Shannen Doherty denies ever fist-fighting with Jennie Garth. In the new issue of Us Weekly, Heather Duke tells the mag, “”We never did. I think I would remember Jennie’s fist connecting with a part of my body or a part of my face.” “It just goes to show you how people will lie,” she goes on to say of Tori Spelling’s account of the alleged fight (in Tori’s autobiography). Burn! So, Tori made it up? Ooooh, maybe now Tori and Shannen will get in a fight over whether or not Shannen and Jennie got in a fight! Awesome.
• Tim Gunn does not approve of Katie Holme’s baggy jeans. When asked by People magazine about Katie’s newfound affection for rolled up over-sized denim, Tim said, “She ascended from this tomboyish waif look to an incredible sexy sophisticate. We realize how much style she’s capable of. I don’t get it.” I love it when Tim Gunn says “I don’t get it.” When he says that, you have to change whatever it is immediately. Like if he says, “I don’t get it,” about your life in general, you better find a cliff to jump off of. Seriously. He knows his shit.

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Which Hollywood member of AARP is also the hottest? Just because they qualify for Senior discounts at the movie theater doesn’t mean these box office stars are any less sizzlin’!

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*photo by laruth.

• Avril Lavigne is “too sexy” to play Malaysia. Avril’s upcoming concert on August 29th might just be canceled if the Islamic Party has their way. They think Avril’s act is too sexy. This isn’t the first time something like this has occurred. Gwen Stefani and the Pussycat Dolls were also asked to cover up and to tone down their, um, sexiness to play Malaysia. Here’s what a party official had to say about Avril’s show: “It is considered too sexy for us…it’s not good for viewers in Malaysia. We don’t want our people, our teenagers, influenced by their performance. We want clean artists, artists that are good role models.” He then cleared his throat and said, no SK8er Boiz here, bi-atch. Just kidding. He didn’t say that, but he was thinking it.

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Roseanne Barr either went off her meds this week or let her political beliefs take over her brain…and her blog! In a post entitled “Jon Voight”, she attacks not only him but (gasp!) his daughter, Angelina Jolie and her partner Brad Pitt as well. Why attack the altruistic couple? It appears that Roseanne is upset that Angelina is not endorsing the same candidate as Roseanne. Here’s what Roseanne wrote on her blog:

jon voight your evil spawn angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more. (just sayin’).
Also miss jolie says she likes mccain too and hasn’t decided who to endorse….huh? Aren’t you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the african daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the republican party’s worldwide economic assault on africa over the last few decades since reagan? whaaaa…??????!!!!

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