It’s been a banner week for good ole’ Michael Lohan. A banner week! Can anyone shut this dude up? Earlier in the week, Lindsay’s Pa let everyone know how he felt about her gal pal Samantha Ronson. Completely unprovoked by Ronson, Mr. Lohan said, “People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some L.A. DJ.” (Dlisted) Nice, huh? Then, after the unfortunate news broke that his father passed away, Michael Ronson did what any Celebri-Dumbass worth their title would do. He contacted the media to complain about yet another member of his family. Here’s what he had to say to OK! Magazine: “My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina’s attorney. Let’s see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral.” There’s more. He goes on to say, “THIS will show her true colors! Thus, not even a call. But that’s par for the course with Dina! She didn’t even send a card or visit when he was sick.”

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• Shannen Doherty denies ever fist-fighting with Jennie Garth. In the new issue of Us Weekly, Heather Duke tells the mag, “”We never did. I think I would remember Jennie’s fist connecting with a part of my body or a part of my face.” “It just goes to show you how people will lie,” she goes on to say of Tori Spelling’s account of the alleged fight (in Tori’s autobiography). Burn! So, Tori made it up? Ooooh, maybe now Tori and Shannen will get in a fight over whether or not Shannen and Jennie got in a fight! Awesome.
• Tim Gunn does not approve of Katie Holme’s baggy jeans. When asked by People magazine about Katie’s newfound affection for rolled up over-sized denim, Tim said, “She ascended from this tomboyish waif look to an incredible sexy sophisticate. We realize how much style she’s capable of. I don’t get it.” I love it when Tim Gunn says “I don’t get it.” When he says that, you have to change whatever it is immediately. Like if he says, “I don’t get it,” about your life in general, you better find a cliff to jump off of. Seriously. He knows his shit.

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Which Hollywood member of AARP is also the hottest? Just because they qualify for Senior discounts at the movie theater doesn’t mean these box office stars are any less sizzlin’!

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*photo by laruth.

• Avril Lavigne is “too sexy” to play Malaysia. Avril’s upcoming concert on August 29th might just be canceled if the Islamic Party has their way. They think Avril’s act is too sexy. This isn’t the first time something like this has occurred. Gwen Stefani and the Pussycat Dolls were also asked to cover up and to tone down their, um, sexiness to play Malaysia. Here’s what a party official had to say about Avril’s show: “It is considered too sexy for us…it’s not good for viewers in Malaysia. We don’t want our people, our teenagers, influenced by their performance. We want clean artists, artists that are good role models.” He then cleared his throat and said, no SK8er Boiz here, bi-atch. Just kidding. He didn’t say that, but he was thinking it.

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Roseanne Barr either went off her meds this week or let her political beliefs take over her brain…and her blog! In a post entitled “Jon Voight”, she attacks not only him but (gasp!) his daughter, Angelina Jolie and her partner Brad Pitt as well. Why attack the altruistic couple? It appears that Roseanne is upset that Angelina is not endorsing the same candidate as Roseanne. Here’s what Roseanne wrote on her blog:

jon voight your evil spawn angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more. (just sayin’).
Also miss jolie says she likes mccain too and hasn’t decided who to endorse….huh? Aren’t you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the african daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the republican party’s worldwide economic assault on africa over the last few decades since reagan? whaaaa…??????!!!!

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Seriously, this list could be a mile long. But I’ve narrowed it down for poll purposes. So, lay it on me.

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*photo by mistermisterfr.

• Donald Trump buys Ed McMahon’s soul, I mean, house. The Los Angeles Times reports that the Donald will buy McMahon’s casa so that he can avoid foreclosure and continue living there. But why? To hear the Donald tell it, out of the kindness of his heart, of course. “I don’t know the man, but I grew up watching him on TV,” Trump said Thursday. Helping him would “be an honor.” Wow. Trump as a landlord, eh? That would be even more intimidating than that one landlord I had that looked like Ron Jeremy. He was mean and he had a mullet and drove an IROC that said “I Rock” on the liscence plate. Good luck, Ed. Trump makes IROC dude seem like Strawberry Shortcake.
• Actress Busy Philipps and her screenwriter-husband Marc Silverstein announce the birth of their daughter, Birdie. Yup, Birdie Leigh Silverstein was born Wednesday, weighing 9 lbs., 7 oz. (You might remember Busy from the show, Freaks and Geeks. She is also godmother to Matilda, the daughter of Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger.) The name has already been compared with Pilot and Apple. I don’t know about you but I quite like it. It reminds me of Sandra Bullock’s character in Hope Floats, Birdie Calvert. Oh, great. Now I’ve admitted I’ve not only seen that movie but remembered the main character’s name.

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• NY Magazine asked Diddy what sport he would win gold in; his answer will surprise you. Just kidding. He said, “Who could have sex the longest. I think that’s an event I can do well in. And probably who could stay up the longest. Just so you know, that’s supposed to be funny. Even though I am serious.” Oh, Diddy, you never disappoint. This is better than when he described in detail exactly how he grooms his privates. That boy is just so self-conscious.  And shy.
• Britney sits down with OK Magazine for a real live interview, y’all! It’s been a year since Britney ran away from an interview by the same magazine but this year she lasted the whole interview, with her dad, Jaime, by her side. She talks about her career, her kids and her little sister. “I was shocked a little bit,” says Brit. “She’s always been the baby, and now the baby was having a baby. It was mind-boggling.” Well, I guess that explains everything. She was mind-boggled. That issue of OK hits newsstands tomorrow. You should get it and read it while you’re on the elliptical machine at your gym. That’s the only socially acceptable place to read OK Magazine. Plus, you burn calories.

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• NY Magazine asked Diddy what sport he would win gold in; his answer will surprise you. Just kidding. He said, “Who could have sex the longest. I think that’s an event I can do well in. And probably who could stay up the longest. Just so you know, that’s supposed to be funny. Even though I am serious.” Oh, Diddy, you never disappoint. This is better than when he described in detail exactly how he grooms his privates. That boy is just so self-conscious.  And shy.
• Britney sits down with OK Magazine for a real live interview, y’all! It’s been a year since Britney ran away from an interview by the same magazine but this year she lasted the whole interview, with her dad, Jaime, by her side. She talks about her career, her kids and her little sister. “I was shocked a little bit,” says Brit. “She’s always been the baby, and now the baby was having a baby. It was mind-boggling.” Well, I guess that explains everything. She was mind-boggled. That issue of OK hits newsstands tomorrow. You should get it and read it while you’re on the elliptical machine at your gym. That’s the only socially acceptable place to read OK Magazine. Plus, you burn calories.

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If you’re like me or any of my friends, you’re always looking for the new silly game to play. You know, like Top 5 or F-Marry-Kill or whatever. Something you can play over cocktails or while stuck in traffic on the 405. I have a new one for you. Play the Celebrity Couple Name Game! You already know some of them. Bennifer, TomKat, or Brangelina. Each new one stupider and more cringe-worthy than the last. The one that really makes me sick is Bennifer 2.0, the name coined by gossip mags for Ben Affleck and his new Jennifer, Jennifer Garner. Ridiculous, right? Yup. Well, now you can get in on the action.

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Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…..

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Feel free to leave me a comment and tell me who you think I’ve forgotten!

*photo by josh mcconnell.

• Britney films a VMA promo which begs the question, WILL SHE DO IT AGAIN? It’s been a year since that embarrassing performance (I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes… shaking and trying to forget the horror). No one is saying if she’s been asked to perform or not but she did film a promo with host, Russell Brand (you know, the hottie from Forgetting Sarah Marshall) to promote this year’s ceremony. It’s the least she could do! She shares the stage with Brand and an elephant. Yeah, an elephant. That’s probably the only way she can get her kids to look at her. Bribe them with circus animals.
• Clay Aiken is a daddy! Clay’s friend, 50-year old record producer Jaymes Foster, gave birth to a baby boy at 8:08 am at an “undisclosed location” in North Carolina. The baby’s name is Parker Foster Aiken and according to Clay’s mom Faye, he has dark hair. The almost-Idol himself blogged about his new son, writing, “The little man is happy, healthy, and as loud as his daddy. Mama Jaymes is doing quite well also.” Congrats to Clay and Jaymes. P.S. Jaymes’ brother David confirmed that the baby was conceived via artificial insemination. Whew.

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