While I was crossing the street, I thought, I’ve never been to the Hollywood location of The Standard, but I live one block from their crummy downtown building. If you don’t know, The Standard downtown is an ultra-wannabe hotel with a great (in looks only) bar on the roof. Kudos to the designer. Middle-finger to the manager.

The funny thing is that this place should be the coolest destination spot in town, but stale music, high prices, and atrocious service make it a pain in the butt to be a loyal patron. I have actually never had a good experience there. Below are three of their worst offenses.

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I went to lunch with three girlfriends, one of whom is 20 months old (hereafter referred to as 20-Mo), at Joy Mart Restaurant. Joy Mart is located within the Japanese Village Plaza Mall on 2nd Street at San Pedro. It sits next to a little rock sculpture and boasts a small patio area.

This was my second visit to Joy Mart, and both times the food was similar in quality. I even accidentally ordered the same dish both times. Identical quality and presentation. So, if consistency is high on your list of must-haves, Joy Mart is for you.

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It’s no secret the real estate market is taking some hits right now. My Mother has been calling me daily begging me to run away from here. Go east, go north, just go, she pleads. Fox News has been dooming us to mud slides, corrupt government, and a Great Depression II.

Real Estate isn’t as bad in LA as it is in a lot of other places. But, for those lucky enough to have a nickel or two in the bank, it’s bad enough to put a smile on their faces. Why? Incentives!!

You may recall a Wingtip Report a few weeks ago where Mr. Developer advised folks to wait for condo projects to open. Well, friend, they are starting to open and what a shower of incentives we are seeing!

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You think you have me beat. You think you have experienced the loudest cell phone talker in the world. Unless you know AAAAAAAA!!! you are wrong. It would be impossible to be a more powerful phone fob than the boy/guy/man (couldn’t tell) I call AAAAAAAA!!!

I was crossing the street from the library (my favorite downtown hangout…seriously, have you visited the rotunda on the 2nd floor?…what about the children’s section?) and I heard him … long before I saw him. A lanky lad, he had wavy brown hair and a flamingo-esque stride. I couldn’t catch a glimpse of his face. Maybe he didn’t have one. Nothing would surprise me when it comes to AAAAAAAA!!!

AAAAAAAA!!! was exiting the library while bellowing to some poor sucker. What would it be like to answer that phone call? You’d want your first step to be a significant receiver volume reduction. Mute would likely be your best bet. I don’t think mute could hold him though, so you’d also want to put the receiver down on the ground. At the end of the driveway. Several doors down. Then, walk two blocks west or to a point where the amplification no longer nauseates you.

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Last night, I attended an Open House at Loft Appeal on 9th and Hill to meet Senior Lead Officer Mike Fernandez L.A.P.D. The food was provided by Calori Kitchen, thrilling me as I’ve been meaning to try their restaurant for a while. Almost everything that’s been written about Calori Kitchen bills it to be delicious.

The Meal: A buffet offering (remember it was an event) of mixed greens with balsamic vinaigrette, bread with an unusual tapenade, steamed broccoli, pasta with meat sauce, pasta with veggies and marinara sauce. There were also some cookies and wines, but I think that was provided by Loft Appeal.

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Sometimes my husband makes noises about moving somewhere quiet, calm, and slow. He’s talked about Pasadena, the Valley, and even other states. There are times when I think I want to move too, but when I reaaaally picture it, I get claustrophobic. Open spaces can be confining in their own way.

I hate the smell of pee on my shoes as much as the next gal, but with that price comes all the diversity and eccentricity of downtown Los Angeles. As I write this, I am sitting in a booth next to these two odd… I don’t know what their phylum would be. They are the guys Quentin Tarantino depicts as the hired guns in his movies, minus the black suits. They are talking at sewing machine speed and about 75% of the language is blue.

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A person will find ENDLESS opportunities to get unique stuff for great prices downtown. A person will also find endless opportunities to get crappy junk for inflated prices downtown.

One purchase that makes all of our spinal cords bleed is rugs. Thousands of dollars for what? I’m going to walk on it. My friends are going to spill wine on it. My children will try to eat it.

I found the International Rug Depot downtown where I can buy the Persian looking rugs I love at prices that fit my budget (picture open wallet with haggard moth climbing out, not even trying to flutter his wings). They have quality rugs from all over the world, all at eye-bulgingly low prices.

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You may ask why the Wingtip Report? Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac provide similar services and similarly silly names. Why? Perhaps a mystery for the ages. I have some theories.

1. A drunken campfire bet gone horribly overboard
2. Childhood name mocking resulted in a psychological syndrome we’ll call Lowhousingcost Consciousness
3. Coincidence

Once again our favorite friend-to-the-people-other-than-Eva-Peron, Mr. Developer, is here to provide downtown LA insider-sight (my word).

Q: Mr. Developer, even the reduced LA housing prices are extortionately high in the 213. How can I pauperize a purchase price, enabling this average Joe/Jolene to get into the game?

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Red Hand/White Man is a new weekly section of miscellaneous downtown events, people, and situations that will be updated on Fridays. Red Hand/White Man is supposed to remind you of the crosswalk signals. Heh, get it?

This week, I want to talk about a place that is very near and dear to my heart: The Central Library (located at 630 W. 5th Street). This place is not your average library, it is the 3rd largest public library in the country!

Even more exciting than the size of the library (though yes, size does matter) is the ALOUD program. At lapl.org, you can reserve up to six seats in advance, free of charge (most of the time). You’d be wise to reserve as early as possible since the events sometimes fill up. They do have standby ticketing for the gambling souls among us.

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As you may know, there is a ton of filming going on downtown. Even during the writers’ strike, we see the men in yellow work boots, large rolls of cord, and cargo shorts down here on a weekly basis. They look at us apologetically, like they are about to kill our family dog, and say, “I need you to wait here for just a minute because they are about to roll.” My husband turns red and spits as he expresses indignation. I take it in stride since we can just walk around the block and be on our way. Maybe we should get his blood pressure checked.

Anyhooo, I decided to put a piece about this in the “Oot and Aboot” section because it’s a fun thing to come check out. On any given weekend, you are going to see a film crew doing something or other. Plus, they are surprisingly friendly.

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We all want to buy a home. It’s touted as the American Dream. It seems to me your priorities might be a little off if that’s your biggest dream, but that’s another blog, right?

Los Angeles housing is oppressively expensive. Everybody’s friends east of Nevada have settled down in their two (sometimes three!) story houses complete with driveways, yards, AND multiple trees. Basically, the average Joe lives in a home that would cost about $5 million in L.A.

When these friends call to catch up, there is inevitably a point in the conversation where they exclaim, “You pay how much for rent?? That’s six times my mortgage payment!”

We want to say: “Really, jackass? Maybe that’s because your mortgage is in Crapville, New Jersey, and my rent is in Los Angeles, California. Gimme a call this January, let’s compare some weather notes.”

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Downtown Los Angeles and Hollywood are sometimes considered used, dirty, and dangerous. I find them beautiful, even during the middle of the night while raining. I spent some time shooting in the wee hours on a Thursday night, and found pockets of wonder you might not notice during the busier hours of our city.

Take a moment, enjoy.

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