If you’re like me or any of my friends, you’re always looking for the new silly game to play. You know, like Top 5 or F-Marry-Kill or whatever. Something you can play over cocktails or while stuck in traffic on the 405. I have a new one for you. Play the Celebrity Couple Name Game! You already know some of them. Bennifer, TomKat, or Brangelina. Each new one stupider and more cringe-worthy than the last. The one that really makes me sick is Bennifer 2.0, the name coined by gossip mags for Ben Affleck and his new Jennifer, Jennifer Garner. Ridiculous, right? Yup. Well, now you can get in on the action.

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• Britney films a VMA promo which begs the question, WILL SHE DO IT AGAIN? It’s been a year since that embarrassing performance (I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes… shaking and trying to forget the horror). No one is saying if she’s been asked to perform or not but she did film a promo with host, Russell Brand (you know, the hottie from Forgetting Sarah Marshall) to promote this year’s ceremony. It’s the least she could do! She shares the stage with Brand and an elephant. Yeah, an elephant. That’s probably the only way she can get her kids to look at her. Bribe them with circus animals.
• Clay Aiken is a daddy! Clay’s friend, 50-year old record producer Jaymes Foster, gave birth to a baby boy at 8:08 am at an “undisclosed location” in North Carolina. The baby’s name is Parker Foster Aiken and according to Clay’s mom Faye, he has dark hair. The almost-Idol himself blogged about his new son, writing, “The little man is happy, healthy, and as loud as his daddy. Mama Jaymes is doing quite well also.” Congrats to Clay and Jaymes. P.S. Jaymes’ brother David confirmed that the baby was conceived via artificial insemination. Whew.

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• Britney Spears has been tapped to play a murdering lesbian in a Quentin Tarantino film. Yes! Every girl’s dream role. (Read: I’m not being sarcastic.) Brit Brit has been asked to play stripper Varla in a remake of the 1965 cult film Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Quentin must’ve seen her work on that Doogie Howser kid’s new show, (you know, ole’ what’s it called). A source said, “It is perfect Tarantino material. He wanted to get Britney first. She’s playing the most important character.” This is the best thing that’s ever happened to that girl. And I mean ever. I am not going to judge this. I am just going to trust in the genius casting instinct of Tarantino, sit back and wait for the magic. Because, you know it’ll either suck (awesome!) or be awesome (double-awesome!). Crossing my fingers for awesomeness squared.
• Paris Hilton fires back at John McCain with a video of her own. And, hers is much funnier. I’d be pretty embarrassed if I were a politician and I were being made fun of by Paris Hilton. And, worse, everyone is laughing with her, not at her. I think this is the first time I’ve been on her side of, well, anything. But, in this video, she’s funny, and dare I say, borderline lovable! John McCain is probably not sweatin’ it, though, because it’s on the internet and who knows how to use that thang anyway? If you haven’t watched her video yet, click here and watch it already! It’s short, I promise.

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Yes, it’s true, folks. You can see the chosen ones for a mere 4 bucks or however much a People Magazine costs these days. Yep, the kiddos are just 3 weeks old, but twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline are already sure to sell more magazines than Mary Kate and Ashley combined. Oh the excitement! These are no blurry shots of a baby in the back of a car with a blanket over its face. There are 19 pages of family photos to fulfill all of your sick voyeuristic needs.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie sat down exclusively with People magazine to talk about their two new babies, life at Château Miraval in Provence, France and how the rest of the crew is coping. “It is chaos, but we are managing it and having a wonderful time,” Jolie told the magazine. “[Shiloh] and Z pick out [the twins'] clothes and help change and hold them,” she says. “It’s sweet – they are little mommies.” Pitt says the household is “still a cuckoo’s nest.”

The couple were reportedly paid $14 million for the exclusive photos, which they will donate to a foundation created by Pitt and Jolie that largely focuses on helping children around the world. The issue hit newsstands today. Better get a move on!

*photo courtesy people.

• Dawn Weiner is engaged to a chic. Weinerdog, also known as Heather Matarazzo, (the break out star of 1995’s “Welcome to the Dollhouse) is engaged to her girlfriend of a year, Carolyn Murphy. Apparantly they proposed to each other. Weiner’s PR person said, “It was really cute. First Heather proposed to Carolyn, then Carolyn proposed to her.” She probably just asked her if she wanted to join the Special People’s Club! Awwww!  Weinerdog, congratulations!
• Sharon Osbourne disses Paris for a lack of talent. “She has no talent!” Mrs. Ozzie told Parade.com. “I’m sure Paris would tell you that herself.” I seriously doubt Paris would cop to that herself. She totally thinks she’s got talent. Why else would she have made that sex tape?

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• Dawn Weiner is engaged to a chic. Weinerdog, also known as Heather Matarazzo, (the break out star of 1995’s “Welcome to the Dollhouse) is engaged to her girlfriend of a year, Carolyn Murphy. Apparantly they proposed to each other. Weiner’s PR person said, “It was really cute. First Heather proposed to Carolyn, then Carolyn proposed to her.” She probably just asked her if she wanted to join the Special People’s Club! Awwww!  Weinerdog, congratulations!
• Sharon Osbourne disses Paris for a lack of talent. “She has no talent!” Mrs. Ozzie told Parade.com. “I’m sure Paris would tell you that herself.” I seriously doubt Paris would cop to that herself. She totally thinks she’s got talent. Why else would she have made that sex tape?

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• Shannen Doherty went unrecognized in a Malibu police station over the weekend. She rushed into the station to complain about all the paparazzi following her but the police officers had no clue who she was. The dude at the front desk allegedly told Shannen he didn’t recognize her, to which she retorted, “Why are you pulling my Dick, Heather?” No, I’m kidding. She only said that in my dreams. She really said, “I’m on TV.” Um, who are these people that are supposedly protecting us? I would feel a lot safer if they had seen the great film Heathers, or at least an episode of 90210. Come on! Charmed? Anyone? Shannen supposedly left in a huff, and rightfully so. Don’t worry, Shannen, the spin-off’s a comin’.
• Kate and Lance are ca-put. Yep, The New York Post’s Page Six reports that the two lovebirds have officially split. I know you are shocked but let’s keep things in perspective. Yes, Kate and Lance are no more but no one was hurt in the earthquake yesterday. Now do you feel better? I know, me neither. Oh well, I hope they both have better luck next time with whomever is left out there that they haven’t dated.

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• K-Fed is said to be releasing a fitness dvd. Oh thank the angels. According to FOX news, he said, “I plan to get back to looking ripped and sexy again - I know I have let it all go but watch me fly this year.” I rely on FOX news for all my K-Fed news because they are so hard hitting. Anyway, keep your eyes peeled while watching infomercials because Federline’s on the loose.
• Family Guy’s Seth MacFarland (35) is said to be dating Amanda Bynes (22). Say huh? I, um, don’t know what to say. She did a voice on the show and the two have been spotted out together a couple of times on different gossip websites. I hope it’s untrue and he’s just her big brother in that, you know, Hollywood Big Brother Mentor program they have out there somewhere, um….who am I kidding? He’s probably doing her and I’m officially grossed out. She just seems a young 22, you know? It’s like thinking of Ricky Gervais dating Miley Cyrus or something. Ick.

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• Sherri Shepherd said she has had “more abortions than I would like to count.” Yup, she really said that, and to a black Christian women’s magazine called Precious Times (not to be confused with High Times) no less. How high do you think this gal can count? Wow. I am fascinated by the hiring policy for “The View.” I wonder if Barbara Walters is hiring co-hosts specifically to drive Elizabeth Hasselbeck crazy. If so, I applaud you, Barbara. I bet Elizabeth won’t even be in the make-up chair next to Sherri now. She’s probably afraid she’ll go to hell if they breathe the same air.
• Britney has a new song, y’all. The single, called ‘ATM’ has some enticing lyrics that are as follows: “Hey Mama, I know it’s my cash you seek. You know they treat me like an ATM, but y’all know that I’m too good for ‘em.” What do you guys think? To me, this reeks of Shaq. I’m sure that he’s the genius behind these rhymes. Another song is reportedly called ‘Already Bad’ and is rumored to be about Justin Timberlake. Timely. These lyrics go, “I know you thought you were the first, but I had already quenched my thirst, I was already bad.” Touche, Brit.

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• K-Fed gets to keep sole custody of the kids. “The case has been settled,” Federline’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, told PEOPLE. “This is the end of a two-year journey.” Britney will get more visitation rights. Spears’s attorney, Laura Wasser, said, “Britney’s doing great. She’s very pleased [with the settlement]. This is so not over. You know something will happen one way or the other. Maybe Brit Brit will get her ducks in a row and get K-Fed up. Oh, swell. I made a little joke.
• Khloe Kardashian spent 173 minutes in jail. I wonder if she got a tattoo? That would be my only jail-goal, to get a tat. So, Khloe was released early due to overcrowding. She did way more time than Nicole (82) and Lindsey (84). That’s the number of minutes of jail-time Nicole Richie did people, not her weight. Here’s the official statement by attorney Shawn Chapman Holley : “Khloe was prepared to serve her entire sentence if that is what the Sheriff’s Department had ordered. Having said that, she is, of course, happy to have been released and she is looking forward to fulfilling all the conditions of her probation.” Word.

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• A-Rod and Shaq had a meeting of the minds at 40/40 club Monday night. Witnesses saw the two with their heads together for a short amount of time at a party hosted by Alex. Guess what music was playing? Yeah, that’s right. Madonna. I bet Shaq was asking A-Rod if he knew her. And, no, I don’t think Shaq was being sarcastic, I think he sincerely wanted to know.
• The twins are really here and the world is collectively overjoyed. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie welcomed a boy, Knox Leon and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline, by Cesarean section on Saturday night. The twins are the fifth and sixth kids of the couple and Knox is their third child with a first name ending in X, earning him the nickname ‘Triple-X’ or just ‘XXX’. Well, at least in my house. At least with, um, me. Okay, then. Congrats to the Jolie-Pitt family.

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Parade Magazine recently released the results of its Summer Pop Culture Poll. Parade.com polled over 4,000 readers about hot pop topics like who you’d want as your next door neighbor (Oprah!) and who is, well, hot. Here are the highlights:

Which celebrity deserves “most improved reputation” award?
Nicole Richie 43%
Mel Gibson 22%
Tom Cruise 21%
Britney Spears 9%
Paris Hilton 3%
Lindsay Lohan 2%

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