So in an attempt to both lower my blood pressure and make the world a happier, sunnier place, I’ve decided to forgo my usual “music industry is evil/ Sarah Palin/ Economy” rant and instead give you some deep breathing exercises to lead off my Music News post.
Ready?
Here we go:
Deep breath through your mouth.
Breathe in through your nose.
Hold it…
Think about fluffy bunnies and wacky platypus’
Hold it…
Breathe out.
Feel better? Good, let’s start with the music news.
Greetings, kids! Tonight’s recap is a special one… not because of 90210 in particular, but because I have to go in for a spot of surgery tomorrow and am watching and writing my recap baked out of my gourd on Xanax. Consider this an artistic experiment, like Brinda Warsh with her “Laverne†thingie at the Peach Pit, yeah?
Onward!
Why are they still showing “previously’s†from the first episode? Like we need Human Sleeping Pill Harry “Dadcipal†Wilson gushing about palm trees again?
And wheee, right outa the gate with a whole bunch of Drunk Grandma Quips! The drama coach has been called away “indefinitely†and Dadcipal has got to find another one. Annie freaks over breakfast; they can’t cancel the class musical! And Drunk Grandma, who’s acting (and dressed) like something out of The Birdcage, announces “Fine. I’ll do it!†Everyone hems and haws, but (Drunk Grandma Quip #1): “Sweetheart, when the theater is in pain, I come to mend the wound!†Then she yammers about director’s advice (DGQ #2): “If you’re not breathing from your ass and reaching to the skies, the back row won’t hear you!†Aunt Becky sporfles coffee. And then (DGQ #3): “I slept with him!â€
So now that the giddiness of “ZOMG NEW 90210!!!†has passed, what are we left with? Frankly, not a lot.
The A plot revolves around the oh-so-overdone “How do we transplant our wholesome Midwestern family values into shallow Beverly Hills?†Namely, Aunt Becky and Harry the Dad-slash-Principal want to have “Family Night†just like back home. (And we’re supposed to believe that, in Wichita, Wholesome Annie and Black!!! Dixon happily spent their Friday nights with Mom and Dad?)
Aunt Becky surprises them on a school day morning with an Alice Wakefieldian pancake breakfast, but natch, everyone is too busy rushing off to school, which makes Aunt Becky sad. Is their family falling apart? (Yeah, because it isn’t last week’s surprise illegitimate child that’s an issue, cupcake, it’s breakkie.) So she insists that tomorrow they’re all going to go bowling! Dadcipal agrees that they’re bringin’ a Little Kansas to Beverly Hills because it’s all about family! FUN! Yes, and despite the fact that both kids’ve already made plans, to: Annie’s supposed to go out with Not-Zach-Efron-But-Close Ty and Dixon’s going to hang with Navid “Ethnic Okay (tm Mediarama)†Shirazi and Ethan “Overbite†Ward to watch a new, unreleased Bond flick in Navid’s family’s screening room (Wait, I thought Navid’s dad was a porn director?). So maybe the kids’re gonna watch “James Dong: Quantum of Penis†or something?
I know many of you have been jonesing for come Office. Will Jim propose to Pam? Will Angela marry Andy even though she’s sleeping with Dwight? Will Michael for some deranged reason raise Jan’s semen baby?
Who knows! But if you’re looking for a little reminder of where you left off before the show begins again on September 25th, here is a quick recap to get you salivating…
If you weren’t too busy out getting smashed or just decided to stay in last night, hopefully you got to catch some great history going down in television and music. Last night, September 5th, all three TV networks ABC, NBC and CBS were more than grateful to give up their regular programming for the hour-long, commercial free fundraising show.
It’s nice to finally know that many of the big shots in entertainment are taking their assets and using them towards a good cause. Cancer has affected millions of people worldwide, and celebrities and the industry have not forgotten how everyone, including them, hurt from this too.
Appearances throughout the night ranged from Jennifer Aniston and Halle Berry to both our presidential candidates. The music was provided by a super star group of the most well known female singers from teen pop sensation, Miley Cyrus to R&B queen, Mary J. Blige. All the ladies performed their charity single, “Just Stand Up” to encourage friends, family, and viewers watching to take a stand and donate. The single is available on iTunes.
We’ve met a bunch of new people. We’ve been titillated. We’ve been Plot-Bludgeoned. On with the second episode of the two-episode premiere of 90210 2.0! (It’s called “The Jet Set.†More like “OMG He’s Got a Private Jet!!!†Set.)
Wacky Hijinx Alert: the rival high school literally—LITERALLY—trashes West Bev, so Dixon is all conflicted and has to choose between bonding with his new teammates by retaliating and respecting his Dad-Principal by taking the high road. Dixon shows respect for both by appropriating a Drunk Grandma-suggested prank of letting pigs loose on the Palisades High field… just like his dad did back in the day. Aw, have a Lifesaver, son!
Shannen Doherty denies ever fist-fighting with Jennie Garth. In the new issue of Us Weekly, Heather Duke tells the mag, “”We never did. I think I would remember Jennie’s fist connecting with a part of my body or a part of my face.” “It just goes to show you how people will lie,” she goes on to say of Tori Spelling’s account of the alleged fight (in Tori’s autobiography). Burn! So, Tori made it up? Ooooh, maybe now Tori and Shannen will get in a fight over whether or not Shannen and Jennie got in a fight! Awesome.
Tim Gunn does not approve of Katie Holme’s baggy jeans. When asked by People magazine about Katie’s newfound affection for rolled up over-sized denim, Tim said, “She ascended from this tomboyish waif look to an incredible sexy sophisticate. We realize how much style she’s capable of. I don’t get it.†I love it when Tim Gunn says “I don’t get it.” When he says that, you have to change whatever it is immediately. Like if he says, “I don’t get it,” about your life in general, you better find a cliff to jump off of. Seriously. He knows his shit.
Everyone has them. You know, those movies that you secretly love. The ones you would never own (or admit to owning) but you know every word to. When they come on cable on a lazy Sunday afternoon, you can’t help but let out a squeal of delight because you know you’re going to watch the whole darn thing. These films never make the cut for the “Movies I Like” section of your Facebook page. Too embarrassing. But, love them you do. Scandalously! They are your Guilty Cinematic Pleasures!
Every night until summer ends you need look no further for your daily guide through the summer TV jungle.
This is a rough time for nightly entertainment with the tube awash in repeats and lame reality shows, but there’s still good stuff available to get you through the work week.
Let the picks begin. . .
Reality Rundown
It’s catharsis time for NBC as it attempts to make up for airing the horribly exploitative “Baby Borrowers†with an hour-long town hall meeting entitled “Lessons Learnedâ€ÂLet me guess, people will do anything to get on TV?
At 10:00, HBO takes us inside NFL training camp for the second straight season with its series “Hard Knocksâ€Â.Last year, we journeyed through the pretty mundane Kansas City Chiefs camp, this time around it’s the Dallas Cowboys featuring the rain king Pacman Jones, T.O., and Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend, Tony Romo.Seems more like a soap opera than a football team.
Every night until summer ends you need look no further for your daily guide through the summer TV jungle.
This is a rough time for nightly entertainment with the tube awash in repeats and lame reality shows, but there’s still good stuff available to get you through the work week.
Let the picks begin. . .
Reality Rundown
At 9:00 on ABC is the moment we’ve all been waiting for: the grand finale of “I Survived a Japanese Game Showâ€Â.The final four contestants compete to determine a winner by running an obstacle course filled with the hardest challenges from previous episodes.So if you haven’t watched the show yet, you can enjoy the entire series in one two-hour installment.Banzai!
You know all those shows, late at night, that try to sell you things? And somehow, magically it’s always EXACTLY what you’ve been looking for. No problems at all. Well people they’re a scam. The cream doesn’t actually make you hair grow back, the hair removal wax will hurt just as much as ever, and in this case the photo you are printing out will look exactly the same!
Tim Gunn: Holler at your boy? Is that the phrase? What’s it mean?
Blayne: It means, holla atcha dawg. Shout out!
Tim Gunn: Holler at your boy? I don’t get it.
Tim Gunn gracefully swoops out of the room, looking back over his shoulder to give his final words of encouragement to the frantic designers. “Make it work. Carry on. Holler at your boy.” Oh, Tim. Always giving the people what they want. This is Season 5 of Project Runway, folks. And Tim Gunn means business. He is, as Blayne says, “Timlicious.” Indeed.
So in an attempt to both lower my blood pressure and make the world a happier, sunnier place, I’ve decided to forgo my usual “music industry is evil/ Sarah Palin/ Economy” rant and instead give you some deep breathing exercises to lead off my Music News post.
