Ladies and Gentlemen, I have experienced awesomeness made flesh, and it’s name is Roller Derby. I’ve seen roller derby before, and aside from the novelty of it, I was never particularly seized by it.

Never, that is, until tonight. That’s right, I was so amazed and enthralled by the experience that I find myself, not an hour later, typing away furiously about my experience.

Roller derby was once a farce, a cross between cheesecake and wrestling, but let me tell you, the comparison is in name alone. These girls don’t f*ck around…

Read on for a lengthy and detailed account of this stunning match between the Sirens and the Tough Cookies.

Formed in 2003 by Rebecca “Demolicious Ninburg and Wendy “Thora Zeen” Templeton, the Derby Dolls is LA’s very own “all-girl, all-quad skatin’ banked track roller derby league”, aka awesometown. Seriously.

Housed in a former ice cream cone factory, the Doll Factory, as their new home is called, is a massive structure sporting a bar, a stage, a vendor village, tons of bleachers and of course, an 80′ x 100′ rink.

The energy level is high as you walk in, and the sexiness is unavoidable: short skirts, cleavage and fishnets are the standard outfit worn by players and staff alike. Think Suicide Girls on skates. In fact, I’d be surprised if there wasn’t an overlap in the two groups.

I had a chance to speak to several people there, from refs to announcers and, of course, few players. They range from artists and librarians to doctors and lawyers, from college girls to mothers of 12, and really it seemed that the only common denominator was a desire to have fun… And a bad-ass attitude!

Not a dull moment, as live music pumps, and did I mention the scantily clad girls on roller skates going around continuously?

But really, the main reason everyone is there is for the game. And what a game it is! Basically, it goes like this: you’ve got 5 people per team, 4 blockers and one jammer. The jammers’ goal is to get past the opposing 4 blockers, lap them once, and try and pass them a second time before the clock runs out. The number of opposing blockers lapped determines the score for the round. It’s really far less confusing than it sounds. Once the jammer is past the blockers, she needs to get past them a second time.

Here’s the thing: the blockers don’t fuck around. Pushing, bashing, slamming, they won’t stop at anything to stop that jammer. I’ve seen flips, pile-ups and many a face-plant, and you can feel them when they slam, even up in the bleachers.

Don’t let the outfits and sensuality fool you! They go at it with gusto. The drive in their eyes is burning, and they keep the energy high. Football never looked this good, let me tell you. But these girls are hitting as hard as any linebacker - and going about 30 MPH no less, and with far less padding… This is a full contact sport, and they don’t hold anything back. As a matter of fact, a member of the Sirens happened to be seated behind us during the game, and if her incessant screams of “Kick her f*cking ass!”, “Knock that b*tch down!” and “F*cking hit her!!!” were any indication, these gals are more into it than anyone in the audience.

In fact, it was admitted to me during one of my interviews that the league exists mainly because of the financial support of the players, and not the audience. There is a passion here, and it shows. I was even told that the girls are the ones who have to clean up after a match.

It’s no wonder, as apparently the amount of bureaucratic paperwork (and associated fees of course) is obscene, to the point where some of the games are not even accessible to the public because getting a permit just wasn’t feasible. Hopefully that will be changing soon as local district council member Eric Garcetti was on hand for this game, and I’m told he’s a big fan (the girls have been asked by his office to skate in the Hollywood Christmas Parade).

But all this isn’t to say that there is some sort of attendance problem. There is a large, almost obsessive following; and the place was packed. Several of the fans were the die-hard types you’d expect to see at a WWF game, or an NFL playoff match… Many of them were sporting the same outfits as the players, if not even more risqué.

That’s dedication, folks.

I had mentioned that they take it very seriously, well it’s never more apparent than when someone gets hurt: The painfully accurately named “Broken Legacy” ate it hard, requiring a visit from the ever-vigilant medic.

Her team captain was also on hand to help her through. This whole thing is surprisingly well regulated, with a number of refs and other organizers in the middle of the rink, monitoring points, positions and penalties…
As a matter of fact, mid-way through the game a player was ejected from the rink for excessive penalties, and she really didn’t seem to thrilled about it.

Fortunately for Broken Legacy, she wasn’t seriously hurt. And fortunately for us, she joined us in the bleachers not long after. She definitely got the crowd going with her cheering and jeering… Or perhaps it was something else (—>)?

This match was a championship-qualification game, so perhaps there was a little something extra in the air, but we were just blown away by the intensity of this game, and the showmanship as well…

The real standout of the match was Mila Minute, with her shock of red hair and Ziggy Stardust lightning bolt. You can see her blasting past the blockers if you scroll up, or check her out here posing with another high-scoring jammer, Kung Pow Tina, if you scroll down.

So I challenge you, ladies and gentlemen, to come to an LA Derby Dolls game and have your f*cking socks blown off.DerbyDolls.com The next match is December 8th, buy tickets on their website , it’s guaranteed to be an amazing time as it’s the Championship match of the year!!! I know I’ll be there…

If you haven’t gotten enough yet, be sure to check out the rest of the photos on flickr! Also keep an eye out for upcoming interviews with various members of the Derby Dolls.

Special note:

Cityzine’s own Emberly was so very impressed with what she saw that night that she has decided to join the league!!! Whoooooo! So be sure to check back and check back often for updates on how she progresses, all her trials and tribulations as she integrates this rough and tumble group. We look forward to seeing her kicking loads of ass!

All photos by the lovely and talented Emberly Modine and used exclusively for la.cityzine.com

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