Cityzine is proud to present the first installment of Weird Food Wednesday! And let me tell you, we really started off with a hum-dinger! It’s gonna be hard to top this one, but we will, and on a weekly basis, no less.

For this, volume 1, we checked out Typhoon, a nice pan-Asian restaurant over in the Santa Monica Airport.

So, what exactly did we stuff in our faces? Watch the video below to find out

Typhoon is a nice looking joint, with a wide open dining room and a fantastic view of the tarmac at the airport. You get to watch the little colorful single-props take off, making for a bit of a unique show.

But what’s going on outside is only a fraction as interesting as what’s going on inside. I’m referring, of course, to the insect selection on their menu.

Observe:

Yum! Worms!

I got the crickets on a recommendation of my cousin. And obviously the scorpion was a no-brainer. I mean come on… Scorpion. It’s deadly! Of course I want to eat it! But we asked our waiter what the most outrageous one was, and without missing a beat he told us “the waterbugs.”
So what were they like? Well, watch and find out:

So as you can tell, the crickets came first. I’d had them before, and they were absolutely horrendous,. Overpoweringly salty and frankly unappealing in flavor. If anything, these were bland, although the dish suffered from a severe overabundance of garlic. Maybe that’s the only way to mask the real flavor of those critters? Also, the whole thing was a little heavy on the oil…

Next up was the scorpion which, by comparison, was pleasant. The scorpion themselves are small and flavorless. It’s served on “shrimp toast” with a side of sweet and sour sauce, and aside from the visual (and visceral) power of the dish, it tastes like any other fried sweet and sour appetizer.

No, dear readers. The real hardcore shit was the waterbugs. If you didn’t get a good enough look at them in the video, here’s a much more intimate one:

For reference, they were probably about 3″ long. While their lower cavity is filled with ground chicken,
their thorax (which I repeatedly referred to as “abdomen” in the video as the panic overtakes my mind) is undeniably bug.

There is no way, absolutely no way to pretend that you’re eating anything other than a great big bug when you bite into this. Bug. Bug bug bug bug bug. And you know what?

It’s fucking gross.

You know the scent of a horse? Not the manure and hay and all that. Specifically the scent of the horse itself. Like right where the saddle comes off? Earthy? A hint of musk? Very… well… Horse-y? As Emberly put it, “a horse that was ridden hard and put away wet.” Yeah, well Thai-style chicken-filled waterbug tastes just like that. It is that very specific aroma made tangible (and arguably edible). In the context of a stable it’s acceptable, if maybe even appropriate. I mean that’s where horses live. Stables. But in your mouth? In your mouth with legs and mandibles and eyes and a f*cking thorax? No. No, sir. One should never have to eat something that tastes like the scent of a horse.

I’ve eaten my fair share of weird stuff, but this takes the cake. By far. If I saw one of these things scurry about somewhere, I’d probably take off screaming like a little girl. And here I am putting it in my MOUTH and EATING IT?! Seriously, no idea what the hell I was thinking when I came up with this whole idea.

Look at me! Do I look happy here? No. This is not a happy Louis. My mouth may be full of food, but look at my eyes. They are full… of sadness.

But here’s the real kicker. Eating this accursed thing is bad enough, but the damned thing is literally swimming in oil. Go back to the video and check out when I’m pulling the damned thing apart. The plate is slick with the stuff. Don’t call it a waterbug. Call it an Oilbug. A Horse Oilbug.

For the love of god, EASE. OFF. THE. OIL!

So, to sum up

Crickets: A bit heavy on the garlic but acceptable.

Scorpion: Not too bad. Impress your date. Scare your mom. Get some revenge.

Waterbugs: Oh god! Oh sweet merciful lord let the suffering end! I spent an hour trying to wipe the bug oil off my lips, and the entire day trying to get the taste out of my mouth.

So… Bugs aside, Typhoon is actually a pretty decent place. We (thankfully) ordered some real food to help cleanse our palates (bleach might be more effective), and found the food to be enjoyable. I myself had the Filipino-style grilled pork. Imagine a Vietnamese Bun without the noodles, carrots, lettuce, bean sprouts or peanuts. Oh, and with a vinegar-type sauce instead of fish sauce. So basically grilled slabs of pork with a sauce. But tasty. I also have a fond memory of the Mongolian Beef from a few years back.

And the atmosphere there is really quite pleasant. They have live music certain nights (I’ll refer you to their website for that info), and the vibe is pretty mellow. Overall a nice dining experience, despite the bugs. Reservations are recommended, as it does fill up unpredictably.

Typhoon
3221 Donald Douglas Loop South
Santa Monica Airport
(310) 390-6565
$$

Check out their complete menu:

Oh, and very special thanks to Emberly for shooting the video and helping me cut it.

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